Filler

I don't write many poems, because they are always really crappy. And since the same goes for my blog, I thought I'd post a poem on it to keep my blog's trend going.

Dam It

Dam the waters of your heart's river to cease the emotional flow.
Keep your feelings to yourself; let no one else know.
Dam your mind's running stream so no thoughts get out.
Keep your secrets inside; don't spread them throughout.
Dam your past's creek and all the memories it would tell.
Keep something for yourself; what good is a dry well?

Retain your flow to remain a puddle, better yet a pond.
Don't give it all away; fall prey to the parasitic bond.
There are those who want what waters you possess; want to merge.
But better to resist that temptation; better to dam that urge.
Dam yourself completely so that you can keep it all in.
Who has to know all your virtue and vice; all your goodness and sin?

Preserve the lake of your self's form no matter how big or small.
Use what you can to dam it; whether sticks, stones, or brick wall.
Let your estuary's effluence cease altogether; or at least to a slow crawl.
So just dam it all up. Dam it all.



So yeah, poetry isn't my thing, but I've got quite a few short stories posted on a website that might be a bit better than my poems. Here's a link if you wanna check some of them out. http://www.writerscafe.org/MattPellegrini/

Personally, I'd recommend Bury The Hatchet, Extra Extra, Eat Shit, or The Flyer, but whatever.

Poor Move

I haven't blogged seriously about sports since probably my first post, but thought I'd switch it up from my usual lacking attempts at comedy.

The poor move in question? TCU's move to the Big East.

Is it good for TCU? Yes. Is it good for the Big East? Yes.

Is it good for College Football? An emphatic NO.

Personally, TCU has lost my respect with this move. Teams like TCU, Boise State, BYU, and Utah were the champions of trying to usher in a new and more equal NCAA Football.

Yet, within the next few years, TCU will be in the Big East (A BCS Automatic Qualifier), Utah in the Pac-10 (A BCS Automatic Qualifier), and BYU will become an Independent, leaving a team like Boise State, who is joining the Mountain West, in the same position they're in now in the WAC.

Sure, the jump to a BCS conference will help TCU a little, but if they were in the Big East this year, with the exact same undefeated record and a better strength of schedule due to the stronger conference opponents, they'd be in exactly the same spot. Hoping either Oregon or Auburn loses to get a chance to play in the National Championship game.

TCU was one of the teams that was bringing credence to allowing non-BCS schools a shot to play for the National Championship. But, this move says "We" deserve to play for a National Championship, not "You" other non-BCS schools. It says we deserve better than the rest of you beneath us, the same kind of treatment TCU and Boise State typically get. Talk about hypocrites.

And don't think this would only affect the non-BCS teams. TCU could still technically end up playing for the National Championship. And what if they won? That would be the strongest statement for creating a playoff to determine the National Champion. A playoff, which everybody, not just non-BCS schools want.

Instead, if TCU were to somehow end up in the National Championship and win, the fact that the one team to throw a wrench in the system is joining the Big East, a BCS conference, would allow the system in place now to stay that way.

Personally, I just think it's a cowardly move. They're getting all the credit they deserve this year, and they are perennially one of the non-BCS teams to consider in terms of BCS bowls. Was joining the Big East, a conference that most think doesn't even deserve their Automatic Bid to a BCS bowl game a smart move? What if the Big East were to somehow lose their Automatic Bid? Very unlikely, but TCU wouldn't be in much better shape then they would be if they stayed MWC. Especially considering that conference would have Boise State, Nevada, Fresno State, and Air Force.

So, if you want to blame someone for the lack of a playoff in a few years because your team isn't getting the chance it deserves to compete for a National Championship, you can look to TCU's jetting to the Big East as just another one of the moves that will ensure things stay the way the are in College Football.

What Your Favorite Holiday Says About You

Do I have a degree in any of the Social Sciences? No. But do I consider myself more than qualified to make this very accurate personality assessment? Absolutely. Just remember, this is the final word on the matter. These are completely final and allow for no deviation in personality from what is described. If one of these is your favorite holiday, then it will be like looking in a mirror for you.

New Year's Eve/Day – Your hate your life, because your life sucks. You look forward to New Year's because you like to think, "Hey, maybe this year will be my year. Another year, another chance." WRONG. Things are not going to get better. You suck. You're depressed because of this. It's possible you'll kill yourself if it weren't for your ridiculous optimism. Instead, you choose to drown all of the previous year's sorrows in that cheap bottle of Andre champagne.

Valentine's Day – You are the master of denial. Face it, real relationships are not like the ones in movies and are not like the way your little idealistic imagination dreams them up to be. Your favorite holiday is based around an emotion that biologically, does not exist. But you like Valentine's Day because you think someone out there is just perfect for you. Which is why you'll eventually end up alone. Yes, even if you're in a relationship. Because you deny the possibility of imperfections in a lover. But hey, maybe someday you'll be able to train one of your dozen cats to feed you chocolate covered strawberries and tell you they love you and will never leave you.

St. Patrick's Day – Congratulations, you think being incoherently drunk is something to be proud of. Your IQ probably matches your Blood-Alcohol Content, which means you probably took that as a compliment. Proof that you’re stupid is that you think St. Patrick's day is actually about celebrating drinking to incapacitation. You probably have other seriously messed up priorities in your life too if this is your favorite holiday. If not Alcoholics Anonymous, you will end up with some other addiction and in some other support group because of your stupidity and tendency to make seriously dumb choices.

April Fools Day – News flash. You’re not funny. And everybody hates you. I get it, you want to stay a kid at heart, but playing pranks on your friends is not being a kid at heart. You're annoying because you continue to use clichés and other played out jokes as your go-tos. You laugh at your own jokes too. That’s not funny, dude. You have the same sense of humor as a third grader, but your "friends" don't have the heart to tell you, because you either will think they're just joking around at your expense, or worse, you will take them seriously and go all Kurt Cobain. Instead, they'll talk about you behind your back all the time when you're not around. Now who’s the fool?

Independence Day – You are probably lower to middle class at best. A red stater. Drive a pickup. And consider Natty Ice an important part of your diet, you redneck fuck. You think America is the best country in the world, even though your own blue collar job and trailer park life is terrible. You're just not smart enough to see that. You think holidays should be about beer and big explosions, which is why you love Michael Bay movies. It’s kind of ironic that you’re content with your ambitionless and unsuccessful life, while your favorite holiday is the one that celebrates people that succeeded in doing so much.

Halloween – This is a two parter based on gender. If you're a guy, congratulations, you're probably gay. So your favorite holiday is the one where you get to play dress up? Lemme guess, you had Barbie and Skipper's dreamhouse when you were younger too? Hopefully your costumes growing up sucked so you’ll be used to the feeling of letting people down when your parents find out you’re playing plug and socket with another man. Now, if you're a woman, you're probably a little rough around the edges. And by edges, I mean your vagina. On average, you have 2.5 STDs. According to you, every Disney princess was a stripper. At least that’s what you’re making it seem like.

Thanksgiving – One, you're a retard. Nobody's favorite holiday should be Thanksgiving. It's just barely different from regular days. Eat a lot of food with family and pretend like we care about each other more than we really do. I’m not really seeing why this is a special day. And come on, is four pounds of turkey, globby mashed potatoes and the vomit rainbow that is stuffing what you consider great food? If it is, see the first sentence. Two, you're probably fat and lazy. If not, you’ll get there. Don’t worry. Three, you’re a fake. You preach how this holiday makes you really grateful for all you have and puts things in perspective for you. Yeah, I’m sure you’re thinking that while you’re watching football or playing Nintendo Wii with Grandma. Four, you're as boring as this holiday itself. Seriously, drop Thanksgiving and just call it Black Friday Eve. The day can even keep the binge eating. It preps people for the binge shopping and spending they’re about to do.

Christmas – You're a selfish asshole. You are way too concerned with material possessions and wealth. “ Hey, wanna hear what I got for Christmas? I got this. And this. And this.” Yeah, we all got stuff, dickweed. Guess what M'puto Buj'umbura got for Christmas? Malaria and a bad case of diarrhea. Stop being so greedy and flaunting all this awesome and unnecessary stuff that you have. You're a self-serving ass, plain and simple. And your life is all about "me." You probably didn’t even read any of the other personality assessments and just skipped right down to yours first. Arrogant prick.

Bonus: Chanukah – Lemme guess, you're jewish? In typical Jew fashion, you've spread buying things for your kids out over an 8 day pay period instead of all at once, you money-grubbing miser.

Bonus #2: Kwaanza – Lemme guess, you're black? In typical black fashion, you’ve created your own “black only” form of something in an attempt to gain more equality, yet you fail to see how this is actually more of a way to segregate than to bring together.

Glad I could end on those potentially racist notes. If you think the Kwaanza section is more racist than the Chanukah section though, you’re a tard.

Jekyll Vs. Hyde #2: South Park's Coon And Friends Trilogy

Wednesday's new episode marked the end of, I believe, South Park's second three-part story. The first being the Imaginationland Trilogy. The Cartman's Dad plot was only a two-parter right?

Either way, while the Coon and Friends Trilogy certainly isn't being talked about as much as Inception was, I still feel inclined to debate with myself on it and let you guys be voyeurs to my inner arguments.

Jekyll: South Park's Coon and Friends Trilogy is the perfect example of why South Park is quite possibly the best and most complete show running on television today.

This trilogy incorporated so many facets of single episodes of South Park into one three-part narrative. The first episode really highlighted Parker and Stone's ability to lampoon current events (The BP oil spill). South Park's satirizing of current events is what sets the show apart from other animated comedies and other shows in general. South Park practically wrote the book on how to parody current events. I mean, seriously, having BP drill on the moon to alter the tides and fix the oil spill in the ocean...perfect. It's South Park taking the event to the utmost extreme, yet in a way, it almost seems completely believable that if BP had the technology, drilling on the moon wouldn't be totally implausible. South Park is great at mocking just how ridiculous things are by tweaking them just a bit.

While using a major current event as the backbone of a plot is typically the pattern South Park uses, Stone and Parker always fill their episodes with numerous smaller pop culture references, both past and present. Without focusing hardly any of the three episodes on Lebron James they completely made him look like an idiot, or a genius for being able to the Lebron James tactic get out of anything. That's the beauty of South Park. There's always two sides.

Of course, there were many other references throughout the trilogy. Double rainbow. Justin Bieber being killed in what I could only call a vintage South Park moment. Come on, South Park is like the Roman Colosseum in the way it kills celebrities. The audience asks for more blood and deaths of famous people that they hate, and South Park always delivers. Obviously Cthulu and other H.P. Lovecraft references were used throughout the trilogy.

But while South Park always does pop culture parody well, the Coon and Friends Trilogy was really great because of characters and their development. Captain Hindsight was a great character that subtly made fun of people who thought they were these great heroes for calling out BP's oil spill, among other issues and problems today, after the fact.

And come on, how fun was it to see all the South Park kids as superheroes. Stan as Toolshed. Clyde as Mosquito. Kyle as The Human Kite. Or did I hear Human Kike a few times? Seriously, Human Kite was hella witty. I need to rewatch the episodes, but I think it was only Cartman who called him Human Kike.

What I was most impressed with was Kenny as Mysterion. You would think Kenny's gimmick really had nowhere else to go. He was a character that always used to die in every episode, but still show back up next week. Recently though, they've done away with the "OMG, you killed Kenny gimmick," instead, having Kenny be just another one of the boys, which, in a way, kind of makes him the most boring of the four characters.

But with this trilogy, Parker and Stone brilliantly made Kenny's death and rebirth his superpower. A gift and a curse. I think it was really one of the more intriguing and original things South Park has done with one of their main characters for awhile.

Cartman was, of course, Cartman. The evil, manipulative asshole, who believed everybody else was the manipulative evil asshole. And bringing in Cartman's recurring hatred for hippies, San Francisco, Jews, and other liberal type things was nice touch.

I even liked what they did with Mint Berry Crunch. Don't act like you saw that ending coming. Having Mint Berry Crunch really have powers was a pretty decent, although ridiculous twist, with that guy coming down in that beam of light to tell Mysterion and Mint Berry Crunch their origins.

Plus, I need to mention the style the trilogy was done in. It did a good job of replicating the gritty and realistic comic book/superhero word a la Neil Gaiman, Frank Miller, or Alan Moore.

It was just well done overall. Don't forget that you were so disappointed when the second episode ended without finishing the story because you thought it was only going to be a two-parter. When a story makes you anxious because you can't wait until next week to see how it ends, it did a pretty good job.

Hyde: Yeah, the story was good and made me want to see how it ended. Kenny's character was really good. But that's about all I can say for the Coon and Friends Trilogy. The trilogy did the typical South Park things, but then didn't follow up on half of them or undid most of them.

For example, the last episode closed up most of the storylines. But there was no conclusion to the BP oil company, which I'm okay with, but I'm not okay with Captain Hindsight not being in the last episode at all. Clearly a major oversight.

Like you said, Captain Oversight was that perfect character that South Park creates, that insults half the people watching their show without them knowing. And they really underused him. While you and I both picked up on how the character made fun of people who complained about oil drilling only after the spill, Parker and Stone didn't do enough to nail this point home. I really think South Park went soft with this character and didn't nail people for being hypocrites like usual.

I thought the last episode was really underwhelming though. I liked the twist with Mint Berry Crunch, but Stone and Parker wasted several minutes recapping what had happened in the story (so far) with those comic book panel montages. Which they did several times too. At least three. They could have used those minutes to not just summarize the ending. Seriously, seeing Mint Berry Crunch save the world and beat Cthulu was summed up in still frames. Kinda lame. Kinda a cop out.

South Park has never been a show to dumb itself down for an audience, because it has always been able to work on two levels. There are some times, when you won't get the satire or the references South Park is using, but the show has always been absurd and bluntly funny enough, that at least on the surface it is still enjoyable, while almost every episode still has a deeper, ironic comedy to it.

South Park is one of those shows where if you don't get the joke, they're not going to sit there and explain it to you (like Carlos Mencia) because then it's not funny. I would argue Carlos Menica was never funny, but perhaps that's for a different debate.

Yet, several times throughout the trilogy, Parker and Stone sold out their jokes and just gave them away. A small instance that bugged me was in the third episode. When Kenny is talking to the goth kids and they're disappointed that Cthulu was supposed to bring all this change but didn't deliver. I thought, ah, maybe an Obama joke/reference, and would have been happy if the show had just left it there and made me wonder if that was a shot at Obama or not. But literally, a line or two later, the girl says, "Yeah, it's like Obama all over again." Where's the subtle humor South Park is so good at if you do that?

I thought the biggest transgression of South Park giving their jokes away was the Lebron James thing. The second episode was the first time they parodied the Lebron James, "What Should I Do?" commercial and they made no mention of Lebron James. If you had seen the commercial, you got it. If you hadn't, you just thought it was some weird South Park thing.

To be honest, I hadn't seen the Lebron James commercial, and only found out by reading on article about how South Park had "made fun of Lebron" on a website after the fact. I appreciated the joke more and didn't feel like, "Oh, they should have said something about Lebron so I knew who they were making fun of."

But in the third episode, after they've already done the "What should I do?" bit once, before Cartman does it again, he describes it as "The Lebron James" tactic. I know, these probably seem like really small and petty complaints. But I've always liked South Park in the way that many of their parodies and satires are subtle. It makes you feel more like you're "in on the joke" and not just being told a joke.

What really struck me as odd about Parker and Stone calling it "The Lebron James tactic," was that they found it more necessary to reference Lebron James over H.P. Lovecraft. Honestly, I'm guessing waaaaay more people got the Lebron James joke without having to be told it was about Lebron James than knew Cthulu, the Cult, and The Necronomicon were all fictional creations by horror/sci-fi writer H.P. Lovecraft. Maybe that was the joke you should have clued more people in on.

I'll give you the Human Kite. Really funny.

And one final thing, Cartman's song towards the end of the second episode? That really served no purpose. I really feel if they took out that song and the numerous recaps of what had happened in the episodes before, they could have had more time to spend in the final episode. More Kenny. More Cartman. More Captain Hindsight. Damn it, why didn't you utilize Captain Hindsight to his full potential?

Maybe these are all really small things and I'm trying to nitpick because South Park is almost always so good that to find anything bad, one has to really look deep. But then again, South Park is a show that succeeds because of the small things it does.

Hyde: Yeah. There were a few missed opportunities. And it was a bit un-South Park like to undermine their own subtle jokes.

Jekyll: So it was pretty good, but Parker and Stone should probably just stick to single episodes?

Hyde: Well, I'm not saying that. But yeah, if they're thinking about doing another three-parter again in the near future, I'm hoping they do a little bit better of a job.

The Reviews Are In

Here's what you people are saying about the Moonlight Manifesto.

There's more bullshit in this blog than there is in the Bible.
--Hyperatheist, Eric Mollon

I've yet to have a bowel movement as painful as reading Matt's blog.
--Noted pooper, Jacob "Poops" Trimble

Really, I don't think we're related.
--Brother in denial, Nick "Sloth" Pellegrini

What can I say about Matt's blog that hasn't already been said about the Holocaust.
--Messi enthusiast, Drew Lundgren

Truth be told, I was sexually aroused while reading the mustache blog.
--Perverted masochist, Tracy Allison

He's doing a better job than SNL.
--Likely the only successful person on the list, Scott Krapf

There is something more overrated than Inception, and that's Matt's blog. Which is really sad considering maybe one person likes it. Still...overrated.
--Amateur backyard wrestler, Travis Jaggers

Matt has done for blogs what BP did for ocean life.
--St. Louis native, Laura Kleffner

At least it's something that got me to read for once.
--Joker impersonator, Adam Dubois

Haven't read it. But I just wanted to say, he's gay.
--Hater extraordinaire, Andrew Chrzasz

Dubie's blog might be better.
--Pinochle champion, Craig Werner

There is absolutely no way this kid graduated from a university.
--Tim Lincecum groupie, Catherine "Bantam" Nguyen

Daniel Tosh called, he wants his joke-telling style back.
--Pepsi Blue drinker, Tyler Thurman

He has the rhetoric of venetian blinds.
--Mr. Basketball of Coloma, Chris "Pot Odds" Gopp

Stick to Twitter where you can only suck in 140 characters.
--Kid who flexes too much, Adam "Shogun" Pellegrini

Just stop writing about sports. Matt knows about as much as sports as he knows about the inside of a woman.
--Vanilla gorilla, David Schmeling

It is a fantastic journey through pop culture and relevant news topics with a unique twist in almost every post. And he's sooooo not gay, so lay off the guy.
--Not Matt Pellegrini

My Weekend Predictions

Like all things in life, blogging is a competition. And for the past few weeks, my friend has been posting his weekly college football predictions on his blog—To plug his blog or not to plug his blog? No plug!—so I've decided that, I too, will be blogging my predictions for this weekend.

My first prediction is that I will get more predictions right than my friend. But this prediction doesn't count in determining who gets more predictions right. It's just like, a prediction about our predictions.

Okay, so I'm not actually going to make the prediction that I get more predictions right. I'm guaranteeing that I get more right.

So without anymore brain-busting logic, here are my predictions for each of the matchups:

22 Drunk Dialing vs. 19 Drunk Eating
This first one is a tough pick. Both are definitely looking to make a statement this week. Drunk Dialing has a chip on its shoulder, but I don't think it gets that chip off this weekend. It'll be a close one, but Drunk Eating will prevail...and that's probably good for all of us, unless you're a fatty on a diet. Learn some self-restraint, you rotund butterball of a human.

25 Brett Favre vs. 6 Grim Reaper
Oooohhh boy. It's really just a matter of time before Ol' Faithful's throwing arm literally tears open and erupts and spews Hall of Fame Juice all over the red zone and stains Barb's size 18 Brett Favre replica Wrangler Jeans in the first row. And this just might be the week. I know Favre thinks he can play forever, but the Grim Reaper has dealt with tougher opponents before. Rasputin, Saddam Hussein, Terry Schaivo, I could go on. That's why this week's edition of Monday Night Football is going to turn into a Monday Night Snuff. I got the Reaper taking him out with a Nickel Blitz towards the end of the 3rd on a play-action where Favre thinks his ol' gunslinger arm can still fire one 50 yards down field to Percy Harvin.

3 Politics vs. 23 You
Honestly, I don't know why You are ever ranked in the top 25. Your cupcake schedule has done nothing to deserve it. Not that it matters. This one is a gimme. Whether you're a fatty Democratty, a chubby Repubbly, or splittin seams in-between (if you're counting, that's 3 fat jokes now), something in politics is going to happen that will make You the loser. You have won against politics one time in the storied history of this rivalry, but that was back in the 1700s. This is as much of a guarantee as white guys overrating Dave Matthews Band and black athletes being charged with felonies. Seriously, liking Dave Matthews Band is worse than a felony.

8 Vampires vs. 17 Wizards
This is an interesting one here. To be honest, both are fading powers, along the lines of Medical Dramas, Adam Sandler, Guidos, and anything to do with Ed Hardy. But with the first part of the Harry Potter finale being released soon, Wizards are trying to get back in the Top 10 once more, but they're just not as good as they once were. They're sort of like USC. They're still good and highly competitive, but it really doesn't matter because there's no chance for a postseason anyway. Harry Potter and ultimately anything to do with wizards is over except for the hype and buzz of the last two films. It's sort of like a farewell tour, while Vampires have a little bit more time left with things such as The Vampire Diaries, True Blood, and of course, the last movie in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn. The one where Edward bites and tears into Bella's uterus to rip out their half-vampire baby that is killing Bella and then turns Bella into a vampire to save her life. Ooops, spoilerz! (Off-topic, did you know they're turning Breaking Dawn into two movies? Where'd they get that brilliant, original idea?). But I'm going with an upset here and taking Wizards due to the over saturation of Vampires.

11 Beer vs. 14 Liquor
Another classic rivalry. This one really is a toss-up. Key players on both sides are game-time decisions so it's going to be hard to know who's favored until right up before go time. I want to go the safe route and take beer, but I think I'm going to go with liquor this weekend. In the prediction, that is. Not like, me personally. "I'm" not going with liquor this weekend...or Am I?

7 Sport vs. 10 Party
This is the time of the year when Sport is at its best. The MLB Playoffs, the start of the NBA and NHL, and of course the NFL and College Football seasons are just hitting critical junctions. But when Sport is at its best, Party is also at its best. A lot of people will disagree with me, but I'm taking Party over Sport, because I'm a little more concerned about my own life than some mostly meaningless activity where some 20 year olds wrestle around on grass and try to be the team to stand with a ball in a designated zone the most times so that they can call themselves better. I don't cheer and go crazy at picnics when people are standing on the blanket on top of grass that designates their picnic area and are holding their brown basket? And really? After one team accumulates more points by kicking, throwing, catching, and running with a ball, that makes fans of that team better than fans of the other team? People that had no part in the activity whatsoever? I'm not better than some people just because a song I like gets played more at the club than the song they like. I'm better because I'm way smarter, way more athletic, and way better looking than them. I'll stick to drinking and partying, where there is tangible proof that I am better than you, by comparing how many beers we've drank and how many women we've told to get in the kitchen and stay there. And quit dumping out your Corona Lights in the toilet when you "go to the bathroom" to keep up. I know you're doing that, nobody goes to the bathroom that much.

16 Safe Sex vs. 9 Raw Dog
I think too many people are picking Raw Dog to win out this weekend. While Raw Dog is America's sweetheart, it's going up against its toughest opponent this week. Scoring on that defense is going to be a real challenge, let alone getting any penetration at all through those holes. If this matchup was being played at a frat or some gay bar (actually, is that redundant?), I'd be a little more likely to pick Raw Dog, but it's a neutral site game and Safe Sex (aka Rubber Dog) is a little bit more prolific when it comes to scoring, so I gotta think Safe Sex will win this weekend.

13 The Social Network vs. 12 Inception
This wouldn't be my blog if I didn't bitch about how overrated Inception was at least once a month. But this week, it's in a matchup against another movie that people are loving, The Social Network? To my very heterosexual surprise, The Social Network is getting not just good, but "great" reviews. Whatever floats your naval vessel I guess. A movie about real life against a movie about dreams. Tough choice. But I went into Inception thinking it would be a pretty good movie, while when I saw the preview for The Social Network for the first time, probably before Inception actually, I almost laughed at how stupid of an idea it was. If I want to see drama on something called Facebook, I'll go on "my" Facebook. If I want to look at hot chicks who don't know I'm looking at them on something called Facebook, I'll go on "my" Facebook. Plus, I'd get caught If I tried masturbate in the movie theater to girls in the Facebook movie. My own Facebook at home is a different story. This is probably as close as I'm going to get to conceding that Inception is a good movie, so...Inception over The Social Network.

4 USA vs. Everybody Else
USA dropped from 2 to 4 after losing to Europe in the Ryder Cup last weekend and some people think they look a little vulnerable. Well need I remind you that the Ryder Cup is a Golf competition. I'm none too concerned with how our country performed in an activity that requires no real athletic prowess. When Golf's top performers are guys who are half-Asian (Woods), Indian (Singh), fat alcoholics (Daly), and I'm guessing someone's Jewish, you know you're not dealing with a real sport. Golf is what real athletes are good at just for shits and giggles. It's their fall back plan. Seriously, Tony Romo could stop playing football right now and be a successful golfer. Golf is a lot like Chess. Most people think it's hard and takes skill, but that's only because so few people even want to waste their time doing it. Besides, I don't care if Al-Qaeda beats the USA in a game naked Twister. Who still has more nuclear weapons? Everybody Else could be anything else and I'd still take the good ol' US of A. Blowout. USA wins. Everybody Else loses.

1 Earth vs. 24 Gliese 581 g
Gliese just jumped into the rankings after a big week. But it has to go up against undefeated Earth. While the Gliesed Lightning are in the midst of becoming a true powerhouse, a new dynasty in the greater scheme of things, Gliese just isn't there yet. Seeing Gliese up against Earth will be a great comparison to see what we can expect from Gliese in the coming years. And maybe a few years down the line, Gliese will be better than Earth. But do I think Gliese can come in this year and topple the Earth's stranglehold on the top spot? No way. Earth is number 1 for a reason and will continue its dominant ways for now.

Well, those are all my predictions. Bet ya didn't see a few of those comin. Like taking Safe Sex over Raw Dog, but hey, I'm a risk taker.

It's a shame #2 MattByMoonlight has the week off. That pick is always a lock.

Here's the rest of the ranked that have Byes.

5 Justin Bieber - I think he's up against Sexual Orientation next week.
15 Cover Bands - Underrated.
18 Naked Ladies - Overrated.
20 Glee - I don't even know what this is.
21 Kesha - Really? Kesha is ranked higher than You? I don't even like You and I think this is all kinds of wrong. Kesha has got to be God's April Fools joke.

Piece of a Dream

This is an atypical blog. I didn't post it thinking people would find it interesting or even really read it all if they started. It was an interesting dream, and I thought I'd just get it down so I could look back on it for motivation or something.

I was at an arcade. I walked up to a machine, thinking I knew what game it was and was one I wanted to play. I put a dollar in, assuming that bought a small number of plays, 2-4 or something. Instead, when my dream switched in a first person POV I was staring at a different game. The credit/plays system worked a bit like slots, and only cost a small fraction of that dollar per turn. Either 1 cent or 10 cents, way more than 4 turns.

The game was not a video game, but one of those very simple games that I really can't describe even while awake. I just don't think there's a name for them, but they're similar to a crane game, in that it's kind of just a money stealer.

What I saw was the rectangular/square game box behind the display. It was green and pretty bare. There were only two pieces to the game. A piece on the bottom that moved back and forth, it ran all the way from the bottom left corner to somewhere a little past mid-way of the display. It oscillated at a constant and steady rate as dictated and controlled by the game itself, not the player, yet that was the piece I would have some control over.

On the bottom right was a small hole that pierced through the wall/display of the game, though it may have been a basketball hoop type piece actually. The piece that slid back and forth would load a disc, coin, ball, something, and while moving back and forth, the player would press a single button that would shoot the ball out and try and get it into the hoop/hole. Logically, if the moving piece wasn't angled at all towards the hole, this would be an impossible game. But, this was a dream which allowed for the ball, even though always aimed straight up, to always move a bit in some direction.

I played maybe two or three times. Losing, just missing. Trying to time the moving piece so right as it reached the point in the middle of the display and changed direction, I would hit the button, sending the ball towards the hoop/hole due to some kind of what I'm sure is a flawed idea I have on the physics of momentum.

On probably the 4th shot, I was able to get the ball in the hoop and win 40 tickets, which was apparently the max, and I have to assume the only amount of tickets one could win in this game. I still had some weird, arbitrary number of credits left on the game, something like 67 cents, all I know was it was still in the 60s.

As I watched as my tickets came out, quite sporadically so that I thought the game was ripping me off, two black kids were standing near me. Both would definitely be under 10 I'm guessing, the boy older, probably 9 or something, the girl, 7, if I had to just make a random guess, though maybe they could both be a few years older. The boy really didn't do much. I think he was just eating an ice cream cone and never said anything at all. The girl, I remember had two braided, short pigtails with one of those little pink clasp things in each. Also, at some point prior to this, I had put on a white MSU hat, which was a bit weird, I literally haven't worn a ballcap in years, but the one I was wearing in my dream is the last one I have worn in real life. The girl however grabbed for a few of the tickets, maybe the first or second wave of ten, again, the machine was giving out tickets quite oddly, and I thought it froze or was cheating me. I stopped the girl from taking my tickets, by telling her not to, and she did stop.

Once I gathered the tickets though, she told me she needed some tickets for some prize she wanted. I may have given her 10 tickets at this point, or I may have given her none. I don't fully recall. And even the order of the next two events I don't fully remember. However, I think the next thing that happened was the little girl looked at me and told me something along the lines of, "I get the feeling that good luck is going to come to you soon," or maybe, "I think you're going to have some lucky things (maybe she said fortunate) happen to you soon." I don't think I responded. She continued by asking, "Are you famous? Are you an actor or something?" To which I did respond, "No, I'm not."

She did say something else after that, though I'm not sure I'm going to get it right. I thought she said something like, "Oh, well you're very good looking," and mentioned my hat in some way, which is why I remember wearing it in my dream, and then I got the feeling she hinted at or that the way she had told me about good fortune/luck and asking if I were famous meant those two were be connected.

Regardless, I went back to the game, since I still had some plays left, and on the very next try, won again, another 40 tickets. After collecting the tickets and still having 50 or 60 some cents on the game, I realized I didn't really need any tickets and gave them all to the little girl and then simply left.

I woke up thinking about this dream as one of those "Aha" moments that people who become successful will cite as the reason or a sign that they pursued something improbable yet just knew or had a feeling they'd succeed. But then, knowing how much I like to use sarcasm and irony all the time, I wondered if my own dreams were filled with irony to play with me. Mocking me because of the farfetchedness of my real-life dreams.

This made me wonder about my own way of experiencing dreams. Typically, when I dream, the dream moves constantly from a first-person POV, me literally seeing through the eyes of a person, and a third-person POV, me just kind of hovering and watching outside the space of the dream, not in it, but watching it.

I came to the conclusion that If I had experienced that dream in first person, actually seeing and experiencing all those things that happened, then maybe it was really trying to give an honest meaning. But If I were pulled back, watching the girl say these things to me as if it were some kind of a movie or TV show, maybe I was supposed to pick up on the irony and ridiculousness of the situation, being able to see the bigger picture.

I'm not going to put how I remember experiencing that part of the dream, whether it was in 1st or 3rd person, and honestly, I'm not sure if there weren't points in that dream where I didn't switch back and forth between the two.

I also remember two other dreams that night though. In another dream I was driving, got stuck in the wrong lane and ended up having to take an exit back onto the highway. Once on the highway I realized how low the gas was in the car and started to worry. I don't think that portion of the dream concluded itself, though I do know I took an exit at a rest area, before either the dream changed, I woke up, or just forgot what happened.

In the other dream I remember I was going to party at somebody's house. The weather was nice, so as I approached I could see all the people outside, grilling and eating, talking, all that. It felt like it was some sort of homecoming/reunion type dream, and even though it was in East Lansing, the majority of the people there were all people from Illinois, though I recognized a couple people from MSU. I really remember two people in particular, but I won't reveal who they were in order to keep their dream identities anonymous, those weird dream party stalkers.

Sound Advice

It's time for a little sound advice. So this advice is a bit late. Better late than never, right?

This advice is going out to you, Eldrick Tont Woods. Tont? Really? Is that a typo on Wikipedia? Is it maybe supposed to be Tont'o'? What the hell is Tont? Whatever, back to the advice.

Tiger Woods hasn't won a single golf tournament since Elin found out that Tiger was using his wedge in a bunch of other sluts' sand traps.

Maybe when Elin put down the clothing iron and picked up the 5-iron she knocked some of the golf skill out of Tiger's body. Who knows?

But after the incident every sports analyst out there was trying to give Tiger advice on how to handle the situation. Hmm, no offense Stu Scott, but you're a sports reporter, not a personal counselor. Unless that lazy eye can see into other dimensions, I don't think Tiger wants to hear what you have to say.

I mean, Chris Berman is an unbearable sports analyst, not a psychiatrist. The only advice I'd take from that fat fuck is where to get a good slab of ribs. Besides, everybody gave the same advice anyway. It was either, he should take some time off to collect himself and work everything out and then come back, head right back out to there and let golf take his mind off the whole thing for awhile, or frame John Daly for murder so the public eye would be on him and off Tiger. Okay, so nobody suggest the last one, but who wouldn't believe John Daly finally got so drunk he killed someone?

Regardless, nobody's advice has worked so far, since Tiger still isn't winning. So maybe it's time to try something completely different.

Here it is, Tiger. Are you ready?

A Turn.

You're probably not familiar with the term "turn," so let me explain it to you Tiger. In professional wrestling, when a wrestler changes from being a good guy to a bad guy or vice-versa, it's called a turn.

In your case, you'd be changing from a face (the good guy), to a heel (the bad guy). Look, I know it's a bit of a stretch to suggest that you were a good guy before since about 30-40% of the people that watched golf hated your guts, which is actually just 30-40 people total, but I'm talking extreme heel here.

You've always kind of been a dick anyway on the course. Now just take it up another notch.

When you tee off on the first hole, give the audience a little monologue first. Here's an example. "Last week I was at Augusta, and I thought man this has got to be the worst place on Earth. And then, I came here to Pebble Peach." You know, general insults to the course, the city, whatever.

That's a good start and a good way to get the crowd against you. But there still needs to be more. Instead of complaining and yelling at somebody who took a picture during your backswing or is making too much noise, point to some old woman who walked all the way from Ernie Els' press conference to see you putt on the 14th green and get her kicked out for being too old, ugly and distracting. Either an old lady or a kid on his dad's shoulders. Treating a kid or an old woman with disrespect is a surefire winner in getting the crowd to hate you.

Finally, getting a caddy in on this action will make things even better. There are two routes you could go here. You can get some kind of foreign guy to be your caddy. Maybe a Quran toting Muslim, or like anybody that is anti-American sentiment, or a Chinese guy that is rich because he lives in a good economy, or Mel Gibson or something. People will hate all three of those. The other option is to get a caddy that the crowd will love. Midgets are popular. Justin Bieber possibly. Maybe even a woman (trust me, this gets good). Whoever it is, just make sure you beat him or her mercilessly when you miss a putt or slice one into the rough. Blame it all on the caddy. People will loathe you even more. On second thought, I wouldn't go with the Justin Bieber as a caddy. If you beat the shit out of him, I think people will start to like you.

Would there be a rule against hitting Nick Faldo with a chair as he tries to chip for birdie? Whatever, those three things should probably be enough. But don't forget to consistently make rude gestures to the crowd. The middle finger, the up yours sign, grab some guy's daughter and pantomime butt-fucking her...you know, the works.

If you think this might be too much, trust me, I don't think the activity of golf will suffer because it got a little more bearable to watch.

Seriously, the only thing more boring to watch than golf is the Wheel of Fortune. How about you show me the puzzle so I can play along at home. Instead, I have to watch the wheel spin as Jill lands on a Lose A Turn space. Do you know how old Vanna White is? She's 53. I feel bad for her and whatever anti-aging experiments they keep doing on her.

Golf's most memorable moments of emotion and celebration are Tiger Woods fist pump and Phil Mickelson's gay little jumping jack. God only knows what Jon Daly will do when he wins a major. Unfortunately, even if he does, he probably won't be sober enough to know it.

So there's my advice. Go complete heel. Even though the majority of the crowd will hate you, the heel still always amasses some fans for playing the tougher role.

I'm sure you're wondering, how does this help you win again at golf? I don't know, maybe it doesn't. But then again, maybe knowing for sure that the crowd hates you instead of wondering if they think you're some kind of disgusting pig will take all that pressure off and just let you play golf.

Hey nothing else has worked yet.

The New Fall

My favorite season has always been Fall. Is it because of Halloween? The changing leaves? The cooler weather? It's a question I don't know how to answer.

I've met a lot of other people who's favorite season is Fall too, which, while a good season, seems like the second least likely to be picked, only ahead of Winter.

It seems like when Fall and Spring are so similar to each other in weather, the common choice should be Spring for the weather warming and the environment coming back to life. I mean, that's what Spring is known for; being the season of rebirth and new life.

That's hard to beat. Until I realized that Fall is the Spring for the youth. Spring gets all the accolades for being the most beautiful season. When life begins again, things grow and bloom and blossom, and the weather warms up, whereas in Fall, the weather gets colder, gloomier, darker, and life fades away and dies.

But in way, for teenagers and young adults, Fall is the season of rebirth. The time of new-agains and old reappearances.

Fall ushers in the new school year, new classes, new teachers, new schedules, new friends, and reacquainting with older ones that were perhaps forgotten. With Fall comes new sports and activities to join, new goals, the chance to every year reinvent oneself and try something new.

New life always starts in the Fall every year. The Fall brings a fresh new start to life again.

But, as I stare down the end of my young life and head towards my adult life, I realize that Fall won't bring the new for me anymore. There's no more looking ahead to a season when things refresh and start over, there's no longer a specific time to find new opportunities, and you're just as likely to meet new people in the middle of Winter as you are in the Fall.

I worry that for me, Fall will just become Spring in reverse. Going from pretty to ugly, instead of ugly to pretty.

Or should I be worried that no matter what season comes along once I'm older, it won't bring the same perks the Fall once brought me? When the new no longer occurs, what is left but all same ol' same ol'?

Either way, here's to hoping the beauty and newness that Fall brings will forever remain with me.

It's Really Old

Today, scientists discovered the remains of what appears to be a new species of dinosaur that is very likely related to the Triceratops. They are calling this new dinosaur, the Michaelceratops.

A lot of information is still unknown about the habits of the Michaelceratops, but some facts about it have emerged.

The Michaelceratops was most likely not a carnivore, instead choosing to primarily to regurgitate and eat its own feelings over and over again.

Despite that, the Michaelceratops was thought to, at times, engage in predatory activity. However, the Michaelceratops was almost certainly a poor and timid predator, and most likely wound up as the prey itself.

The Michaelceratops was probably very unlikely to ever move out of its comfort zone. Once it got lucky and found a niche role, the Michaelceratops' timid and awkward body would remain in that safe zone even until that habitat was entirely played out.

Scientists think that the Michaelceratops probably went extinct much before the rest of the dinosaurs. In fact, while scientists have confirmed that the Michaelceratops did have a penis, it had most likely become a vestigial organ, no longer serving any purpose.

This would have prevented the Michaelceratops from reproducing and likely led to its disappearance.

While the Michaelceratops looks and sounds like the most pitiful of all dinosaurs, many will admit: it's hard not to love him.

I (M)i(S)s(U)

I miss the green/I miss the white
I miss those days/I miss those nights
I miss the parties/I miss the fights
I miss the pains/Miss the delights
I miss the sounds/I miss the sights
I miss the green/I miss the white

I miss the white/I miss the green
I miss the classes/I miss the teams
I miss 21/I miss 19
I miss the fun/I miss the schemes
I miss the hopes/I miss the dreams
I miss the white/I miss the green

I miss you/I MSU

Dun Dun...Dun Dun

Sharks. They are nature's justified killers. If somebody you didn't know just showed up where you lived, flailing around and peeing everywhere, you'd probably bite their leg off too. The difference is, you haven't done that and a shark has. That's why they get their own week.

This Sunday, one of the summer's biggest events kicks off. The mind-bogglingly successful Shark Week.

I say mind-bogglingly because I just can't fathom how Shark Week has had continued success for so long. I understand that Shark Week has very little competition during this time of year. The only legitimate threat is ESPN's Little League World Series, or Pedophile Month to some.

But Shark Week started in 1987. That's right. There's been a Shark Week now for over 20 years. And I can't help but notice, hardly anything has changed. Year after year, you see sharks do the same things. Bite as hard as they can through all kinds of flesh and metal. Come close to killing people in reenactments of shark attacks. And look scary underwater while a diver floats in a cage like a zoo animal and films.

This is why I don't watch Shark Week. It's just a rehash of what they've been doing for years now.

So, with that in mind, I've come up with 3 new ideas for programs to run during Shark Week that will recapture all the glory of the one of the ocean's deadliest predators. Or, at least spice up Shark Week again and get me to watch it.

1. Zoo For Sharks - This idea is a lot like when the diver goes down in a cage, completely safe I might add, don't let his over-the-top dramatics trick you into thinking he's in danger, and watches and records sharks swimming around and trying to attack a cage. But I am TIRED of seeing a human in that cage. Let's spice it up. Put a monkey in a fucking scuba diving suit, put him in the cage, and send him down there with a camera and see how he reacts and what he records. And don't say a monkey wouldn't know to breathe with the air tank. Monkeys have learned sign language for God's sake, I'm pretty sure if we jam the breathing device in its mouth and make sure it stays in there he'll be fine.

2. Oscar Winning Sharks - No, I'm not suggesting Discovery Channel plays the great shark movies in history, or gives out awards to sharks that were in movies, though the second one isn't such a bad idea. I'm suggesting to add a little star power to the "When Sharks Attack" show. Yes, get famous actors to play the role of the shark that dismembered somebody in the reenactments . And you have to put them in that little kid's shark set for swimming you can buy. With the little head fin/goggles and all that other junk. It would be hilarious to see Tom Cruise go open-mouth at some guys crotch, or Mel Gibson go in for the kill on an ethnicity that he hates who shouldn't have been swimming in the first place.

3. Jersey Shark - Yes, this is probably exactly what you're thinking. There are two options here. Either run the audio from the latest episode of Jersey Shore in the background, while well-placed shots of sharks mesh with the dialogue and action, or superimpose sharks into the actual footage of Jersey Shore. I mean, what could be scarier than a shark with a 6-pack? Oh right, a shark that looks like Snooki. FIN PUMP!

More Briefly On Inception

In my last post, I made reference to the film Inception having themes and similarities to the Greek epic, The Odyssey. Well, it comes as no surprise to me then, that there is an even more obvious and apparent reference to Greek mythology.

As soon as I heard the Ellen Page's character introduced as "Ariadne," I knew the name was a reference or allusion to something and figured likely Greek or Latin.

According to one legend about Ariadne, she was a woman who gave Theseus a sword and a ball of thread, helping him to be the only man who went into the labyrinth, slay the Minotaur, and return safely.

Obviously, one can see how Ellen Page's character, like Ariadne, helped Leo's character survive the maze of dreams and slay his own demons in the movie.

Of course, the word/name Ariadne today is often used in conjunction in solving puzzles, logic, and ethical dilemmas. Just check out the page on Wikipedia about Ariadne's Thread.

So, once again, I will tip my hat in acknowledgment of the movie Inception. The similarities between Ariadne of myth and Ariadne of movie are well done. And maybe if you didn't buy my Odyssey comparisons in the last post, this will help convince you.

With all that being said, I'd like to go out on record right now and say that Inception will not win an Oscar for Best Picture, however, I do believe it will be nominated. If I end up being wrong, feel free to suggest ways I can atone with a comment on my blog.

Jekyll Vs. Hyde #1: Inception

My mind is in constant conflict with itself, and I'm looking to explore (and likely exploit) this battle raging inside me in new episodic installments on my blog that I have named "Jekyll Vs. Hyde."

Just last week, I saw the movie Inception, which has been received favorably, to say the least. While I definitely enjoyed the movie, the enormous amount of people who are calling it a "classic," "unforgettable," "the best movie in the last 20 years," and even "one of the best movies ever" caused me to ask myself just how good I thought the movie really was.

Since I have been classically trained in Geek, before you read any further, I must warn you in pirate voice: AAARRGGHH! THAR BE SPOILERS AHEAD!

Hyde: I know I'm going to sound like one of those hipsters that starts hating on their favorite band once they became popular, but the first problem with Inception is the reaction to it. Just because the last two movies you saw were Avatar and Iron Man 2, both of which require not much more than a 2nd grade intelligence to understand, doesn't mean Inception is the only movie to ever have a complex and thought-provoking plot.

This same thing happened a few years ago when V for Vendetta came out. All my friends thought it was so brilliant and smart, because the movie told them it was. The problem is, most people don't usually go to movies to think. Most people are passive at a movie, letting the spectacle and image dazzle them. So when a movie tells you to think, you finally do, and the film seems like the smartest thing ever written. Inception is not the be-all end-all of intellectual and philosophical movies, it just happened to act like it was.

Don't get me wrong, Inception was pretty thrilling and suspenseful and it definitely was thought-provoking. But, to say the movie was a "mind-fuck" is absolutely ridiculous. Really? Inception blew your mind more than The Matrix? Why? Because Inception failed to explain any of its mind-blowing elements so it could pile them on, layer after layer (literally), while The Matrix actually provided reason and credibility to the world it created? Look, The Matrix is a better movie than Inception, The Illusionist was better than The Prestige, and Spider-Man 3 was better than The Dark Knight. Okay, so I might be exaggerating on the last one.

Seriously, Inception wasn't mind-blowing, it just "tried" to mindfuck you, and you fell for it. Half of the movie's suspense and tension came from the fact that for most of the movie, you were trying to wrap your head around what was actually going on. And don't lie and act like you "got it" the whole time. Inception is intentionally written to need to be seen more than once to fully understand it, so if you're just thinking I wasn't smart enough to "get it" the first time, then you sir or madam, are a poseur.

The biggest trick was this whole multiple layers of dreams bullshit. I think Shakespeare said it best when he said, "a dream by any other name..." Honestly, a dream is a dream is a dream. Dreaming in a dream, is still just the one, single, same dream. A dream, by its definition is, "a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions, passing through the mind during sleep." In this case, a dream is a state. Only when you leave the state of being awake to being asleep does one enter into the dream state. So, you can't logically leave the dream state and enter the dream state. It's illogical. Once you are dreaming, that's it. You can't dream again, because you're already doing that. It doesn't matter how many dreams are in a dream, it's still just one, single dream. Besides, these dream layers that are deeper in the sub-conscious aren't even scientifically real anyway, so you can't argue that another layer of a dream is a different dream.

This movie was the brain equivalent of a Michael Bay movie. Transformers 2 was simply eye candy with no substance. Inception was brain candy, but with no actual logic. I mean, how did Cobb and Arthur have cognition of being in a dream but the dreamer doesn't? Aren't they dreaming too? What allows them to be so aware? How are they able to get into somebody's dream? Oh, I know! That machine! Then answer this smart guy, how does that machine they hook up to even work? Unexplained, of course. I guess that machine let's them project themselves into somebody else's dream, while they themselves dream. See, it sounds so mind-blowing, but it makes absolutely no sense. And what was the point of Ellen Page's character? Yeah, she had to design the dreamscapes and in a complicated enough way that the dreamer's projections didn't realize it was a dream, but how was she able to get the dreamer himself to dream those creations? Lemme guess...that machine? Seriously, ask yourself how you think the architect was able implant the whole landscape into another person's head.

If they were in Fischer's (Cillian Murphy) dream, then how come when they went down to his sub-conscious level it became filled with Cobb's dreams? There are so many logical flaws in Inception, but instead of seeming ridiculous, it seems brilliant by cleverly hiding from all its gaps and inconsistencies.

They don't tell us how long, in real-time that Cobb has been away from home, so when he finally does get home in the end of the movie it gives credence to the fact that his kids have not seemed to age at all. I don't know, maybe it was actually Cobb's dream the whole time. An above average, but incredibly overrated dream.

Jekyll: But, if it was a dream the whole time as you're starting to think, doesn't that actually make it good, no, brilliant? I mean, like the film itself pointed out, dreams are rarely logical. Things always go unexplained in dreams and yet, you always accept them.

So of course we don't know how Cobb and Arthur are able to get into someone's dreams, fully aware that they themselves are dreaming. And of course we don't know how the machine works or how the architect gets the settings into the dreamer's head.

Did you notice how the film started? With Cobb washed up on the beach. It started right in the middle of something, without knowing how he got there...just like a dream. And how about at the end when that same scene plays again...recurring dream?

Did you ever think that Inception is like that video game you like so much Bioshock? A commentary on the form of media that it is. If Inception is a commentary on film/movies then it is absolutely brilliant. Movies are just like the dreams in the movie itself. Someone else is completely controlling what you see. Yet, when you see a movie, you somehow stay oblivious to that fact and still feel like you have free will. In reality, it's completely the opposite. You only see what they want you to see and for some reason you accept that. No matter what they show you in a movie, or how ridiculous it is, you believe it. You believe it is really happening, even though none of it is "real." The film Inception was like that, the dreams in Inception were like that, and movies in general are like that.

You act like Inception was only about dreams though, completely neglecting the main plot of the movie. Ask yourself, what was the movie's story? It wasn't let's just jump in dreams, take information out, and put ideas in. That wouldn't make a very good story.

Inception borrowed its theme from The Odyssey. It's about a homecoming. Isn't that the primary plot of the film. Cobb trying to get back home; to return to his family? And like Odysseus, his journey home is one of unbelievable encounters and amazing trials and tribulations. Face it, just because other people think Inception is awesome only because they were confused and had no idea what was going on, you still think it is brilliant for the commentary it provides and the themes it touches on.

Hyde: Alright. I'll admit that Inception was a very good, very smart, very brilliant movie. But can we agree that it is not the greatest movie of the last 20 years? I mean, Gladiator, Magnolia, The Departed, Saving Private Ryan, American Beauty, Schindler's List, Forrest Gump, The Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, Good Will Hunting...

Jekyll: Okay. Okay. Agreed.

And here's something just as brilliant.

Change of Heart

I was originally going to talk about Inception, which I will still do in a later blog. But, it has come to my attention that tomorrow, Ms. Selena Gomez turns 18 years old, which is cause for celebration.

For those of you that are unaware of my infatuation with Selena Gomez, look no further than to my Facebook profile pictures where you will find one of me photoshopped into a picture with her.

Of course, tomorrow is the perfect (and legal) day to profess my true love for Selena Gomez, but I'm not quite sure I still am creepily, as some might say, attracted to her. Don't get me wrong, she's a cutie, but for some reason or another, I've moved on.

Obviously the match between us would've been perfect, there's no denying that. Her name, Selena, comes from the Greek word for moon, and I created a fictional persona named MattByMoonlight. That right there should be enough, but I'll do you one better. Selena claims that she is the lightning, and I have always claimed that I was the thunder. Just ask anybody that knows me.

But maybe there's not always lightning where there is thunder. Maybe my lunar love is meant for somebody else.

So Selena, if you are reading my blog right now, then I'm sorry. Maybe we can be together when I finally turn 18. But until then, I guess I've just had a change of heart.

Lebron James, You Make Me Sick

We all knew the move was a possibility. It had been hinted at for years and seemed to be an inevitability. Most knew this day would come, while some held on to the belief, and their number 23 Lebron jersey, thinking that things would stay the same. Finally though, Lebron's made his new move official.

That's right, Lebron James is going to be in a different uniform next season. Lebron James is going to be number 6.

I didn't think Lebron would ever be wearing a different uniform. I thought he was better than that. I thought he was dedicated and loyal to the number he had played in for the last seven years. Apparently, I was wrong.

But how could he just turn his back on the number 23? After all he had accomplished with the number 23 in the last seven years and everything the number 23 had given him, how could he pull such a traitorous move?

Sure, Lebron says it's about others. To honor and respect those who wore 23. But deep down, it is such a selfish move. He doesn't care about anyone else, he's just doing it for himself.

He has turned his back on the millions of fans who bought a Lebron James jersey with the number 23 on it. Do you know how much those jerseys cost? At least one hundred dollars. And now that Lebron has showed his disloyalty, many fans will probably think it is too risky to pick up a number 6 jersey. Who knows what number he might be wearing in seven more years?

This betrayal will have a lasting effect on his legacy. Because of this move, he'll never be able to be the greatest player of all time. The comparisons to Michael Jordan, the man who he once shared a number with, have already stopped.

Michael Jordan would never do this kind of thing. He would never have given up his integrity just because he still hadn't won a title. MJ would never change his number . . . permanently.

And now, because of this, the debate over who's the best player currently playing in the NBA, between Lebron James and Kobe Bryant is no contest.

Did Kobe Bryant ever change numbers? Yes, but that was after he had won a few titles with the number 24. Kobe has never been disloyal to anything or anyone. He's stayed loyal to his fans, his teammates and his family.

But perhaps there is still hope for Lebron James. Even though this decision has caused a lot of backlash, maybe the number 6 will give him the championships that the number 23 couldn't. Maybe people will eventually get used to this and realize it was a good fit all along.

But until that day comes, for this treachery and Judas-like move that you pulled, screwing over your first number— Lebron, I hate you.

Hey, Can You Turn Down That Mustache?

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But the way to a man's lips, is through his mustache; if, in fact, he actually has one.

The mustache. It is almost undoubtedly God's favorite style of hair on any part of the body.

There are two things you will always notice when you're out walking somewhere. Rattling bass from a car's sound system and the mustache. Both of which, by their very nature, are quite loud.

No other style of hair is lauded and loathed as much as the mustache. But to most people, a mustache is a mustache is a mustache. Not everybody is familiar with the intricate and specific stylings of a mustache and couldn't tell you the difference between the Horseshoe and the Handlebar, or the English and the Imperial.

Herein lies the problem. The competitive world of mustaches, ran by whom I can only assume is the MPAA (Mustachioed Professionals Association of America), separates competing mustaches by very specific category. The common person typically does not distinguish mustaches by category when comparing. So, who's comparing mustaches the right way?

Both sides of the argument for comparing dissimilar mustaches to one another or not have their pros and cons. But, what if we separated the Olympic games so that each country could only compete against those countries on the same continent? Or, what if instead of having the best team from the Eastern Conference face off against the best team from the Western Conference in the NBA or Stanley Cup Finals each year, the season ended with two separate, but equal champions of their respected division?

Well, "Doodle sacks!" I say. I will not stand for this kind of segregation in mustache-dom anymore!

The bottom line is, we need a mustache melee, if you will. A battle royal pitting the Chevron against the Dali or the Walrus against the Pencil. Because all mustaches were created equal.

Here is my simple solution: An everyday, easy to use mustache rating system based around how loud and violent a mustache is. Major competitions can still judge mustaches by category, but we common people need to be able to compare any two mustaches at any given time.

So, without further ado, here it is:

The Selleck Scale

Mute Mustache - This is the bottom rank of the rating system. While this rating can be used to describe the utter lack of mustache altogether, it is intended to describe a rather wimpy mustache. One so quiet that it hardly makes a sound. A Mute Mustache can often be the beginning's of one's attempt to grow a mustache, the awkward whiskers of a pubescent teenage boy, or a Dirty Sanchez.

Rowdy Mustache - Think of this as a 1 out of 5 since the Mute Mustache is closer to a 0. This mustache approaches and can even be at times unruly. A Rowdy Mustache is typically a closely and neatly groomed mustache, often worn in conjunction with a beard. For example, a goatee. However, a Rowdy Mustache is usually more disruptive when it acts on the face alone.

Cacophonous Mustache - Now we're getting into some serious mustache territory. The Cacophonous Mustache tends to cover more surface area and be thicker than the Rowdy Mustache. While this mustache can get very boisterous, it still usually remains good-natured.

Raucous Mustache - "Let the wild rumpus begin!" The Raucous Mustache is a man's mustache. Hell, it's a man's man's mustache. Before razors, there was this animal-like and bestial mustache. It is thick, lush, and glamorous. It is the A-lister of the mustache world. Sexy, brash, and bold enough to be admired by even the most strict mustache aficionado, but not terrifying enough to cause any serious concern or trauma. The Raucous Mustache is reckless in nature, and it is known to leave destruction in its wake.

Rampaging Mustache - "Call the fire department; this one's out of control." Of course, there is nothing a fire department could actually do to squelch the Rampaging Mustache. It is known to cause riots, and it is one of the leading causes of ocular injury. To an untrained professional mustachio man, it can cause serious injury. The Rampaging Mustache often contains more hair per square inch than the head. This class of mustache is rare, but be warned; if you do see one, you'll know, because it will be on a rampage.

Hell Raising Mustache - Hide the women and children. The Hell Raising Mustache is comparable to an earthquake of 10 magnitude on the Richter Scale or an F5 tornado on the Fujita Scale. This mustache is prone to acts of violence against humanity. While it is certainly something to behold, because it is known for its brutality and disregard for human life, it is best to keep a safe distance from a Hell Raising Mustache at all times. It is rumored that a Hell Raising mustache was the cause of the Great Fire of London in 1666 and is the sole reason the tank stopped in Tiananmen Square.

Of course, what kind of scale would this be if it didn't include a category for the female mustache? A sexist and prejudiced kind, that's what.

The Misstache - The Misstache is the female version of the male sign of virility and manliness: the mustache. While seen by many as disgusting, faux pas, and unladylike, there are some women who attempt, either on purpose or by accident, to wear the honor of the Misstache. Examples include, circus and carnival performers, Frida Kahlo, women with hormonal imbalances, and Armenians. It truly does take a certain kind of woman to pull off the Misstache. One I will never be attracted to.

Red Handed

Not since Diego Maradona's "Hand of God" goal, has a handball so greatly affected a South American side. Like Maradona's infamous handball, this one also took place in the quarterfinals of the World Cup. Unlike Maradona's play, this handball prevented a goal instead of scoring one.

Luis Suarez' handball in stoppage time of the quarterfinal against Ghana may have been a mistake, may have been an accident, may have been just a reflex, but it was the reason Uruguay won the match. If Suarez does not bat the ball away with his hand, Ghana scores, wins, and advances, while Uruguay goes home.

Suarez was red carded, sent off, making him unable to be chosen for penalty kicks, and will miss the next match for the infraction. It will surely be bittersweet for Suarez to watch the semifinal match against the Netherlands from the sideline, but it beats the alternative, watching from anywhere else. Regardless of a win or a loss for Uruguay against the Netherlands, Suarez will get to play another game in the this World Cup.

While Maradona and Argentina went on to win the 1986 World Cup after the handball goal, it remains to be seen if Uruguay can do the same. Suarez' "Red Hand," will certainly be remembered as one of the few final key moments in an extraordinarily exciting Cup quarterfinal and will be immortalized in Uruguayan soccer lore, while deplored in Ghanaian legend. However, if Uruguay were to go on and win its 3rd World Cup, Suarez' handball would be to thank for that. The play would then surely go down as the single greatest stop to be made not by a goalkeeper and become one of those "where were you moments," like Kirk Gibson's home run or Michael Jordan's hanging jumper. So, Luis Suarez, whether you meant to or not, your handball earned you and Uruguay the best red card of all time.

On Choosing Leaders

Every nation, every team, every group has a leader. Whether officially appointed or unofficially acknowledged, a leader is a necessary role that has to be filled in any group of more than one person. Think about it, even in groups of two, there's usually a leader and a follower. Leaders can be appointed by popular vote, perhaps like the flawed American voting system, or chosen by a single powerful influence, think a coach choosing a team captain. The title of leader can be passed down from a previous leader, or it can be a vacant position that is obtained by the candidate that demonstrates the best leadership qualities. I'm sure you understand what I'm getting at, so no matter how unpopular this may be, I've waited too long to finally come out and say this.

Who the hell do you think you are Tommy?

Seriously, what makes you think you can just show up, unproven, and assume leadership of one of the greatest teams of multi-cultural heroes of all time? Who the fuck made you the leader of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers?

Sorry, Tommy, but where were you during the first 15-plus episodes when Jason, the Red Ranger, and as far as I'm concerned the only leader of the Power Rangers was whooping Rita Repulsa's ass? Then, you have the nerve to not just waltz in and act like you're the new hot shit leader, but steal the Pink Ranger, Kimberly, from Jason? Where was Alpha-5 or Zordon when this was going on? Zordon's just going to let the leader he picked for his super team be supplanted by some new guy with a ponytail? Bull shit. And Tommy gets his own zord, the Dragonzord, which is the same size as the Megazord, the other 5 Rangers zords put together? Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the Green Ranger even originally evil at first? What, everybody can just trust him now? Go to hell Tommy. You and that piccolo you play to call your obvious Godzilla rip-off out from international waters.

Look, don't get me wrong, I can appreciate the Green-slash-White Ranger. He allowed for some interesting story lines, and his inclusion allowed for less conflict when picking what color Ranger we were when fighting imaginary putty people. That meant I didn't have to fight as hard, if it all, to be the Red Ranger. I will acknowledge his vital existence in Power Rangers lore, but I will NEVER, accept him as the leader of my Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

Why Soccer Can Not Succeed In The U.S.A.

Now that the World Cup is over for team USA, the majority of American fans will return to not caring about soccer at all for another four years until the next World Cup. Provided the US again qualifies. This isn't anything most people don't know, and I don't want to say there's anything wrong with this. The very same happens for Olympic sports. Only once every four years do we care at all about gymnastics, swimming, running, snowboarding, etc. as competitive sports, so Soccer isn't totally unique in this regard.

However, Soccer has been professionally played year-round now in the US for over 10 years, yet the sport has really failed to catch on and have the same effect it does in other countries. Interest in the MLS is quite low. When David Beckham came over to the Los Angeles Galaxy, it was regarded as potentially the spark that would make Soccer big in the US. But his presence made virtually no difference except for over coverage by ESPN.

Every four years though, interest in Soccer does rise a bit as USA's National Team competes against the world's best. I'll be honest, four and eight years ago, I think there was significantly less interest in the US Soccer team in the World Cup then there was this time around. But every four years, analysts, reporters, players, and coaches all seem to think that somehow the newfound American interest in the World Cup will carry over into genuine interest in Soccer. I'm here to say, that's just not possible. Soccer in America will likely never reach a year-round interest similar to that of England, Spain, Italy, hell, anywhere in the world.

So, what is wrong with Soccer? Well, I don't think it's the sport. I think it's us.

Soccer is for celebrating. Soccer is one of the truly few sports where, on a given day, almost any country really can win. Seriously, do you think in 100 games, Ghana could beat USA in basketball? Sure, there are powerhouses in Soccer too, but countries most Americans couldn't pick the continent it belongs to on a map have a chance to be the best in the world. Soccer is about pride in a team or in a country. A goal is a celebration. A win, an even bigger celebration.

Typically, American sports fans do not celebrate sport. American sports fans boo before they cheer, ridicule before they praise, and frown before they smile. While watching today's match between the US and Ghana, aside from patriotic "USA" chants, the only other comments about the game were negative. "Why is Dempsey always on the ground?" "Why is this guy starting?" "What was Bradley thinking?" "The referee is terrible." Not once did I hear, "That was a good effort from Cherundolo," or "Donovan did well to switch the field there."

Perhaps this results from a lack of knowledge about the sport in general. There were people who were actually surprised when a Ghana player went down and faked an injury late in the game when USA needed another goal and were even more enraged when he got up and was okay as soon as the stretcher got him off the field. Perhaps the American Soccer fan doesn't know that deceiving the ref, stalling for time, getting any advantage you can is a part of the sport that other countries accept. Perhaps the American soccer fan just doesn't like or approve of this though. It could seem underhanded and despicable. But I honestly don't think fans of Ghana would've been shocked to see the US stalling and moving slowly if they had gone up a goal. And they certainly wouldn't be surprised if the ref had made an incorrect call because a player was trying to get his team a free kick. Instead, fans of Ghana, or any other country for that matter, idolize and worship their players, remember memorable goals like Americans remember home runs, and appreciate their teams even in loss.

That's what Soccer is about. Appreciation, not derision. So until the American sports fan changes, the status of Soccer in America will remain the same.