Sound Advice

It's time for a little sound advice. So this advice is a bit late. Better late than never, right?

This advice is going out to you, Eldrick Tont Woods. Tont? Really? Is that a typo on Wikipedia? Is it maybe supposed to be Tont'o'? What the hell is Tont? Whatever, back to the advice.

Tiger Woods hasn't won a single golf tournament since Elin found out that Tiger was using his wedge in a bunch of other sluts' sand traps.

Maybe when Elin put down the clothing iron and picked up the 5-iron she knocked some of the golf skill out of Tiger's body. Who knows?

But after the incident every sports analyst out there was trying to give Tiger advice on how to handle the situation. Hmm, no offense Stu Scott, but you're a sports reporter, not a personal counselor. Unless that lazy eye can see into other dimensions, I don't think Tiger wants to hear what you have to say.

I mean, Chris Berman is an unbearable sports analyst, not a psychiatrist. The only advice I'd take from that fat fuck is where to get a good slab of ribs. Besides, everybody gave the same advice anyway. It was either, he should take some time off to collect himself and work everything out and then come back, head right back out to there and let golf take his mind off the whole thing for awhile, or frame John Daly for murder so the public eye would be on him and off Tiger. Okay, so nobody suggest the last one, but who wouldn't believe John Daly finally got so drunk he killed someone?

Regardless, nobody's advice has worked so far, since Tiger still isn't winning. So maybe it's time to try something completely different.

Here it is, Tiger. Are you ready?

A Turn.

You're probably not familiar with the term "turn," so let me explain it to you Tiger. In professional wrestling, when a wrestler changes from being a good guy to a bad guy or vice-versa, it's called a turn.

In your case, you'd be changing from a face (the good guy), to a heel (the bad guy). Look, I know it's a bit of a stretch to suggest that you were a good guy before since about 30-40% of the people that watched golf hated your guts, which is actually just 30-40 people total, but I'm talking extreme heel here.

You've always kind of been a dick anyway on the course. Now just take it up another notch.

When you tee off on the first hole, give the audience a little monologue first. Here's an example. "Last week I was at Augusta, and I thought man this has got to be the worst place on Earth. And then, I came here to Pebble Peach." You know, general insults to the course, the city, whatever.

That's a good start and a good way to get the crowd against you. But there still needs to be more. Instead of complaining and yelling at somebody who took a picture during your backswing or is making too much noise, point to some old woman who walked all the way from Ernie Els' press conference to see you putt on the 14th green and get her kicked out for being too old, ugly and distracting. Either an old lady or a kid on his dad's shoulders. Treating a kid or an old woman with disrespect is a surefire winner in getting the crowd to hate you.

Finally, getting a caddy in on this action will make things even better. There are two routes you could go here. You can get some kind of foreign guy to be your caddy. Maybe a Quran toting Muslim, or like anybody that is anti-American sentiment, or a Chinese guy that is rich because he lives in a good economy, or Mel Gibson or something. People will hate all three of those. The other option is to get a caddy that the crowd will love. Midgets are popular. Justin Bieber possibly. Maybe even a woman (trust me, this gets good). Whoever it is, just make sure you beat him or her mercilessly when you miss a putt or slice one into the rough. Blame it all on the caddy. People will loathe you even more. On second thought, I wouldn't go with the Justin Bieber as a caddy. If you beat the shit out of him, I think people will start to like you.

Would there be a rule against hitting Nick Faldo with a chair as he tries to chip for birdie? Whatever, those three things should probably be enough. But don't forget to consistently make rude gestures to the crowd. The middle finger, the up yours sign, grab some guy's daughter and pantomime butt-fucking her...you know, the works.

If you think this might be too much, trust me, I don't think the activity of golf will suffer because it got a little more bearable to watch.

Seriously, the only thing more boring to watch than golf is the Wheel of Fortune. How about you show me the puzzle so I can play along at home. Instead, I have to watch the wheel spin as Jill lands on a Lose A Turn space. Do you know how old Vanna White is? She's 53. I feel bad for her and whatever anti-aging experiments they keep doing on her.

Golf's most memorable moments of emotion and celebration are Tiger Woods fist pump and Phil Mickelson's gay little jumping jack. God only knows what Jon Daly will do when he wins a major. Unfortunately, even if he does, he probably won't be sober enough to know it.

So there's my advice. Go complete heel. Even though the majority of the crowd will hate you, the heel still always amasses some fans for playing the tougher role.

I'm sure you're wondering, how does this help you win again at golf? I don't know, maybe it doesn't. But then again, maybe knowing for sure that the crowd hates you instead of wondering if they think you're some kind of disgusting pig will take all that pressure off and just let you play golf.

Hey nothing else has worked yet.