Sharks. They are nature's justified killers. If somebody you didn't know just showed up where you lived, flailing around and peeing everywhere, you'd probably bite their leg off too. The difference is, you haven't done that and a shark has. That's why they get their own week.
This Sunday, one of the summer's biggest events kicks off. The mind-bogglingly successful Shark Week.
I say mind-bogglingly because I just can't fathom how Shark Week has had continued success for so long. I understand that Shark Week has very little competition during this time of year. The only legitimate threat is ESPN's Little League World Series, or Pedophile Month to some.
But Shark Week started in 1987. That's right. There's been a Shark Week now for over 20 years. And I can't help but notice, hardly anything has changed. Year after year, you see sharks do the same things. Bite as hard as they can through all kinds of flesh and metal. Come close to killing people in reenactments of shark attacks. And look scary underwater while a diver floats in a cage like a zoo animal and films.
This is why I don't watch Shark Week. It's just a rehash of what they've been doing for years now.
So, with that in mind, I've come up with 3 new ideas for programs to run during Shark Week that will recapture all the glory of the one of the ocean's deadliest predators. Or, at least spice up Shark Week again and get me to watch it.
1. Zoo For Sharks - This idea is a lot like when the diver goes down in a cage, completely safe I might add, don't let his over-the-top dramatics trick you into thinking he's in danger, and watches and records sharks swimming around and trying to attack a cage. But I am TIRED of seeing a human in that cage. Let's spice it up. Put a monkey in a fucking scuba diving suit, put him in the cage, and send him down there with a camera and see how he reacts and what he records. And don't say a monkey wouldn't know to breathe with the air tank. Monkeys have learned sign language for God's sake, I'm pretty sure if we jam the breathing device in its mouth and make sure it stays in there he'll be fine.
2. Oscar Winning Sharks - No, I'm not suggesting Discovery Channel plays the great shark movies in history, or gives out awards to sharks that were in movies, though the second one isn't such a bad idea. I'm suggesting to add a little star power to the "When Sharks Attack" show. Yes, get famous actors to play the role of the shark that dismembered somebody in the reenactments . And you have to put them in that little kid's shark set for swimming you can buy. With the little head fin/goggles and all that other junk. It would be hilarious to see Tom Cruise go open-mouth at some guys crotch, or Mel Gibson go in for the kill on an ethnicity that he hates who shouldn't have been swimming in the first place.
3. Jersey Shark - Yes, this is probably exactly what you're thinking. There are two options here. Either run the audio from the latest episode of Jersey Shore in the background, while well-placed shots of sharks mesh with the dialogue and action, or superimpose sharks into the actual footage of Jersey Shore. I mean, what could be scarier than a shark with a 6-pack? Oh right, a shark that looks like Snooki. FIN PUMP!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
More Briefly On Inception
In my last post, I made reference to the film Inception having themes and similarities to the Greek epic, The Odyssey. Well, it comes as no surprise to me then, that there is an even more obvious and apparent reference to Greek mythology.
As soon as I heard the Ellen Page's character introduced as "Ariadne," I knew the name was a reference or allusion to something and figured likely Greek or Latin.
According to one legend about Ariadne, she was a woman who gave Theseus a sword and a ball of thread, helping him to be the only man who went into the labyrinth, slay the Minotaur, and return safely.
Obviously, one can see how Ellen Page's character, like Ariadne, helped Leo's character survive the maze of dreams and slay his own demons in the movie.
Of course, the word/name Ariadne today is often used in conjunction in solving puzzles, logic, and ethical dilemmas. Just check out the page on Wikipedia about Ariadne's Thread.
So, once again, I will tip my hat in acknowledgment of the movie Inception. The similarities between Ariadne of myth and Ariadne of movie are well done. And maybe if you didn't buy my Odyssey comparisons in the last post, this will help convince you.
With all that being said, I'd like to go out on record right now and say that Inception will not win an Oscar for Best Picture, however, I do believe it will be nominated. If I end up being wrong, feel free to suggest ways I can atone with a comment on my blog.
As soon as I heard the Ellen Page's character introduced as "Ariadne," I knew the name was a reference or allusion to something and figured likely Greek or Latin.
According to one legend about Ariadne, she was a woman who gave Theseus a sword and a ball of thread, helping him to be the only man who went into the labyrinth, slay the Minotaur, and return safely.
Obviously, one can see how Ellen Page's character, like Ariadne, helped Leo's character survive the maze of dreams and slay his own demons in the movie.
Of course, the word/name Ariadne today is often used in conjunction in solving puzzles, logic, and ethical dilemmas. Just check out the page on Wikipedia about Ariadne's Thread.
So, once again, I will tip my hat in acknowledgment of the movie Inception. The similarities between Ariadne of myth and Ariadne of movie are well done. And maybe if you didn't buy my Odyssey comparisons in the last post, this will help convince you.
With all that being said, I'd like to go out on record right now and say that Inception will not win an Oscar for Best Picture, however, I do believe it will be nominated. If I end up being wrong, feel free to suggest ways I can atone with a comment on my blog.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Jekyll Vs. Hyde #1: Inception
My mind is in constant conflict with itself, and I'm looking to explore (and likely exploit) this battle raging inside me in new episodic installments on my blog that I have named "Jekyll Vs. Hyde."
Just last week, I saw the movie Inception, which has been received favorably, to say the least. While I definitely enjoyed the movie, the enormous amount of people who are calling it a "classic," "unforgettable," "the best movie in the last 20 years," and even "one of the best movies ever" caused me to ask myself just how good I thought the movie really was.
Since I have been classically trained in Geek, before you read any further, I must warn you in pirate voice: AAARRGGHH! THAR BE SPOILERS AHEAD!
Hyde: I know I'm going to sound like one of those hipsters that starts hating on their favorite band once they became popular, but the first problem with Inception is the reaction to it. Just because the last two movies you saw were Avatar and Iron Man 2, both of which require not much more than a 2nd grade intelligence to understand, doesn't mean Inception is the only movie to ever have a complex and thought-provoking plot.
This same thing happened a few years ago when V for Vendetta came out. All my friends thought it was so brilliant and smart, because the movie told them it was. The problem is, most people don't usually go to movies to think. Most people are passive at a movie, letting the spectacle and image dazzle them. So when a movie tells you to think, you finally do, and the film seems like the smartest thing ever written. Inception is not the be-all end-all of intellectual and philosophical movies, it just happened to act like it was.
Don't get me wrong, Inception was pretty thrilling and suspenseful and it definitely was thought-provoking. But, to say the movie was a "mind-fuck" is absolutely ridiculous. Really? Inception blew your mind more than The Matrix? Why? Because Inception failed to explain any of its mind-blowing elements so it could pile them on, layer after layer (literally), while The Matrix actually provided reason and credibility to the world it created? Look, The Matrix is a better movie than Inception, The Illusionist was better than The Prestige, and Spider-Man 3 was better than The Dark Knight. Okay, so I might be exaggerating on the last one.
Seriously, Inception wasn't mind-blowing, it just "tried" to mindfuck you, and you fell for it. Half of the movie's suspense and tension came from the fact that for most of the movie, you were trying to wrap your head around what was actually going on. And don't lie and act like you "got it" the whole time. Inception is intentionally written to need to be seen more than once to fully understand it, so if you're just thinking I wasn't smart enough to "get it" the first time, then you sir or madam, are a poseur.
The biggest trick was this whole multiple layers of dreams bullshit. I think Shakespeare said it best when he said, "a dream by any other name..." Honestly, a dream is a dream is a dream. Dreaming in a dream, is still just the one, single, same dream. A dream, by its definition is, "a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions, passing through the mind during sleep." In this case, a dream is a state. Only when you leave the state of being awake to being asleep does one enter into the dream state. So, you can't logically leave the dream state and enter the dream state. It's illogical. Once you are dreaming, that's it. You can't dream again, because you're already doing that. It doesn't matter how many dreams are in a dream, it's still just one, single dream. Besides, these dream layers that are deeper in the sub-conscious aren't even scientifically real anyway, so you can't argue that another layer of a dream is a different dream.
This movie was the brain equivalent of a Michael Bay movie. Transformers 2 was simply eye candy with no substance. Inception was brain candy, but with no actual logic. I mean, how did Cobb and Arthur have cognition of being in a dream but the dreamer doesn't? Aren't they dreaming too? What allows them to be so aware? How are they able to get into somebody's dream? Oh, I know! That machine! Then answer this smart guy, how does that machine they hook up to even work? Unexplained, of course. I guess that machine let's them project themselves into somebody else's dream, while they themselves dream. See, it sounds so mind-blowing, but it makes absolutely no sense. And what was the point of Ellen Page's character? Yeah, she had to design the dreamscapes and in a complicated enough way that the dreamer's projections didn't realize it was a dream, but how was she able to get the dreamer himself to dream those creations? Lemme guess...that machine? Seriously, ask yourself how you think the architect was able implant the whole landscape into another person's head.
If they were in Fischer's (Cillian Murphy) dream, then how come when they went down to his sub-conscious level it became filled with Cobb's dreams? There are so many logical flaws in Inception, but instead of seeming ridiculous, it seems brilliant by cleverly hiding from all its gaps and inconsistencies.
They don't tell us how long, in real-time that Cobb has been away from home, so when he finally does get home in the end of the movie it gives credence to the fact that his kids have not seemed to age at all. I don't know, maybe it was actually Cobb's dream the whole time. An above average, but incredibly overrated dream.
Jekyll: But, if it was a dream the whole time as you're starting to think, doesn't that actually make it good, no, brilliant? I mean, like the film itself pointed out, dreams are rarely logical. Things always go unexplained in dreams and yet, you always accept them.
So of course we don't know how Cobb and Arthur are able to get into someone's dreams, fully aware that they themselves are dreaming. And of course we don't know how the machine works or how the architect gets the settings into the dreamer's head.
Did you notice how the film started? With Cobb washed up on the beach. It started right in the middle of something, without knowing how he got there...just like a dream. And how about at the end when that same scene plays again...recurring dream?
Did you ever think that Inception is like that video game you like so much Bioshock? A commentary on the form of media that it is. If Inception is a commentary on film/movies then it is absolutely brilliant. Movies are just like the dreams in the movie itself. Someone else is completely controlling what you see. Yet, when you see a movie, you somehow stay oblivious to that fact and still feel like you have free will. In reality, it's completely the opposite. You only see what they want you to see and for some reason you accept that. No matter what they show you in a movie, or how ridiculous it is, you believe it. You believe it is really happening, even though none of it is "real." The film Inception was like that, the dreams in Inception were like that, and movies in general are like that.
You act like Inception was only about dreams though, completely neglecting the main plot of the movie. Ask yourself, what was the movie's story? It wasn't let's just jump in dreams, take information out, and put ideas in. That wouldn't make a very good story.
Inception borrowed its theme from The Odyssey. It's about a homecoming. Isn't that the primary plot of the film. Cobb trying to get back home; to return to his family? And like Odysseus, his journey home is one of unbelievable encounters and amazing trials and tribulations. Face it, just because other people think Inception is awesome only because they were confused and had no idea what was going on, you still think it is brilliant for the commentary it provides and the themes it touches on.
Hyde: Alright. I'll admit that Inception was a very good, very smart, very brilliant movie. But can we agree that it is not the greatest movie of the last 20 years? I mean, Gladiator, Magnolia, The Departed, Saving Private Ryan, American Beauty, Schindler's List, Forrest Gump, The Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, Good Will Hunting...
Jekyll: Okay. Okay. Agreed.
And here's something just as brilliant.
Just last week, I saw the movie Inception, which has been received favorably, to say the least. While I definitely enjoyed the movie, the enormous amount of people who are calling it a "classic," "unforgettable," "the best movie in the last 20 years," and even "one of the best movies ever" caused me to ask myself just how good I thought the movie really was.
Since I have been classically trained in Geek, before you read any further, I must warn you in pirate voice: AAARRGGHH! THAR BE SPOILERS AHEAD!
Hyde: I know I'm going to sound like one of those hipsters that starts hating on their favorite band once they became popular, but the first problem with Inception is the reaction to it. Just because the last two movies you saw were Avatar and Iron Man 2, both of which require not much more than a 2nd grade intelligence to understand, doesn't mean Inception is the only movie to ever have a complex and thought-provoking plot.
This same thing happened a few years ago when V for Vendetta came out. All my friends thought it was so brilliant and smart, because the movie told them it was. The problem is, most people don't usually go to movies to think. Most people are passive at a movie, letting the spectacle and image dazzle them. So when a movie tells you to think, you finally do, and the film seems like the smartest thing ever written. Inception is not the be-all end-all of intellectual and philosophical movies, it just happened to act like it was.
Don't get me wrong, Inception was pretty thrilling and suspenseful and it definitely was thought-provoking. But, to say the movie was a "mind-fuck" is absolutely ridiculous. Really? Inception blew your mind more than The Matrix? Why? Because Inception failed to explain any of its mind-blowing elements so it could pile them on, layer after layer (literally), while The Matrix actually provided reason and credibility to the world it created? Look, The Matrix is a better movie than Inception, The Illusionist was better than The Prestige, and Spider-Man 3 was better than The Dark Knight. Okay, so I might be exaggerating on the last one.
Seriously, Inception wasn't mind-blowing, it just "tried" to mindfuck you, and you fell for it. Half of the movie's suspense and tension came from the fact that for most of the movie, you were trying to wrap your head around what was actually going on. And don't lie and act like you "got it" the whole time. Inception is intentionally written to need to be seen more than once to fully understand it, so if you're just thinking I wasn't smart enough to "get it" the first time, then you sir or madam, are a poseur.
The biggest trick was this whole multiple layers of dreams bullshit. I think Shakespeare said it best when he said, "a dream by any other name..." Honestly, a dream is a dream is a dream. Dreaming in a dream, is still just the one, single, same dream. A dream, by its definition is, "a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions, passing through the mind during sleep." In this case, a dream is a state. Only when you leave the state of being awake to being asleep does one enter into the dream state. So, you can't logically leave the dream state and enter the dream state. It's illogical. Once you are dreaming, that's it. You can't dream again, because you're already doing that. It doesn't matter how many dreams are in a dream, it's still just one, single dream. Besides, these dream layers that are deeper in the sub-conscious aren't even scientifically real anyway, so you can't argue that another layer of a dream is a different dream.
This movie was the brain equivalent of a Michael Bay movie. Transformers 2 was simply eye candy with no substance. Inception was brain candy, but with no actual logic. I mean, how did Cobb and Arthur have cognition of being in a dream but the dreamer doesn't? Aren't they dreaming too? What allows them to be so aware? How are they able to get into somebody's dream? Oh, I know! That machine! Then answer this smart guy, how does that machine they hook up to even work? Unexplained, of course. I guess that machine let's them project themselves into somebody else's dream, while they themselves dream. See, it sounds so mind-blowing, but it makes absolutely no sense. And what was the point of Ellen Page's character? Yeah, she had to design the dreamscapes and in a complicated enough way that the dreamer's projections didn't realize it was a dream, but how was she able to get the dreamer himself to dream those creations? Lemme guess...that machine? Seriously, ask yourself how you think the architect was able implant the whole landscape into another person's head.
If they were in Fischer's (Cillian Murphy) dream, then how come when they went down to his sub-conscious level it became filled with Cobb's dreams? There are so many logical flaws in Inception, but instead of seeming ridiculous, it seems brilliant by cleverly hiding from all its gaps and inconsistencies.
They don't tell us how long, in real-time that Cobb has been away from home, so when he finally does get home in the end of the movie it gives credence to the fact that his kids have not seemed to age at all. I don't know, maybe it was actually Cobb's dream the whole time. An above average, but incredibly overrated dream.
Jekyll: But, if it was a dream the whole time as you're starting to think, doesn't that actually make it good, no, brilliant? I mean, like the film itself pointed out, dreams are rarely logical. Things always go unexplained in dreams and yet, you always accept them.
So of course we don't know how Cobb and Arthur are able to get into someone's dreams, fully aware that they themselves are dreaming. And of course we don't know how the machine works or how the architect gets the settings into the dreamer's head.
Did you notice how the film started? With Cobb washed up on the beach. It started right in the middle of something, without knowing how he got there...just like a dream. And how about at the end when that same scene plays again...recurring dream?
Did you ever think that Inception is like that video game you like so much Bioshock? A commentary on the form of media that it is. If Inception is a commentary on film/movies then it is absolutely brilliant. Movies are just like the dreams in the movie itself. Someone else is completely controlling what you see. Yet, when you see a movie, you somehow stay oblivious to that fact and still feel like you have free will. In reality, it's completely the opposite. You only see what they want you to see and for some reason you accept that. No matter what they show you in a movie, or how ridiculous it is, you believe it. You believe it is really happening, even though none of it is "real." The film Inception was like that, the dreams in Inception were like that, and movies in general are like that.
You act like Inception was only about dreams though, completely neglecting the main plot of the movie. Ask yourself, what was the movie's story? It wasn't let's just jump in dreams, take information out, and put ideas in. That wouldn't make a very good story.
Inception borrowed its theme from The Odyssey. It's about a homecoming. Isn't that the primary plot of the film. Cobb trying to get back home; to return to his family? And like Odysseus, his journey home is one of unbelievable encounters and amazing trials and tribulations. Face it, just because other people think Inception is awesome only because they were confused and had no idea what was going on, you still think it is brilliant for the commentary it provides and the themes it touches on.
Hyde: Alright. I'll admit that Inception was a very good, very smart, very brilliant movie. But can we agree that it is not the greatest movie of the last 20 years? I mean, Gladiator, Magnolia, The Departed, Saving Private Ryan, American Beauty, Schindler's List, Forrest Gump, The Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, Good Will Hunting...
Jekyll: Okay. Okay. Agreed.
And here's something just as brilliant.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Change of Heart
I was originally going to talk about Inception, which I will still do in a later blog. But, it has come to my attention that tomorrow, Ms. Selena Gomez turns 18 years old, which is cause for celebration.
For those of you that are unaware of my infatuation with Selena Gomez, look no further than to my Facebook profile pictures where you will find one of me photoshopped into a picture with her.
Of course, tomorrow is the perfect (and legal) day to profess my true love for Selena Gomez, but I'm not quite sure I still am creepily, as some might say, attracted to her. Don't get me wrong, she's a cutie, but for some reason or another, I've moved on.
Obviously the match between us would've been perfect, there's no denying that. Her name, Selena, comes from the Greek word for moon, and I created a fictional persona named MattByMoonlight. That right there should be enough, but I'll do you one better. Selena claims that she is the lightning, and I have always claimed that I was the thunder. Just ask anybody that knows me.
But maybe there's not always lightning where there is thunder. Maybe my lunar love is meant for somebody else.
So Selena, if you are reading my blog right now, then I'm sorry. Maybe we can be together when I finally turn 18. But until then, I guess I've just had a change of heart.
For those of you that are unaware of my infatuation with Selena Gomez, look no further than to my Facebook profile pictures where you will find one of me photoshopped into a picture with her.
Of course, tomorrow is the perfect (and legal) day to profess my true love for Selena Gomez, but I'm not quite sure I still am creepily, as some might say, attracted to her. Don't get me wrong, she's a cutie, but for some reason or another, I've moved on.
Obviously the match between us would've been perfect, there's no denying that. Her name, Selena, comes from the Greek word for moon, and I created a fictional persona named MattByMoonlight. That right there should be enough, but I'll do you one better. Selena claims that she is the lightning, and I have always claimed that I was the thunder. Just ask anybody that knows me.
But maybe there's not always lightning where there is thunder. Maybe my lunar love is meant for somebody else.
So Selena, if you are reading my blog right now, then I'm sorry. Maybe we can be together when I finally turn 18. But until then, I guess I've just had a change of heart.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Lebron James, You Make Me Sick
We all knew the move was a possibility. It had been hinted at for years and seemed to be an inevitability. Most knew this day would come, while some held on to the belief, and their number 23 Lebron jersey, thinking that things would stay the same. Finally though, Lebron's made his new move official.
That's right, Lebron James is going to be in a different uniform next season. Lebron James is going to be number 6.
I didn't think Lebron would ever be wearing a different uniform. I thought he was better than that. I thought he was dedicated and loyal to the number he had played in for the last seven years. Apparently, I was wrong.
But how could he just turn his back on the number 23? After all he had accomplished with the number 23 in the last seven years and everything the number 23 had given him, how could he pull such a traitorous move?
Sure, Lebron says it's about others. To honor and respect those who wore 23. But deep down, it is such a selfish move. He doesn't care about anyone else, he's just doing it for himself.
He has turned his back on the millions of fans who bought a Lebron James jersey with the number 23 on it. Do you know how much those jerseys cost? At least one hundred dollars. And now that Lebron has showed his disloyalty, many fans will probably think it is too risky to pick up a number 6 jersey. Who knows what number he might be wearing in seven more years?
This betrayal will have a lasting effect on his legacy. Because of this move, he'll never be able to be the greatest player of all time. The comparisons to Michael Jordan, the man who he once shared a number with, have already stopped.
Michael Jordan would never do this kind of thing. He would never have given up his integrity just because he still hadn't won a title. MJ would never change his number . . . permanently.
And now, because of this, the debate over who's the best player currently playing in the NBA, between Lebron James and Kobe Bryant is no contest.
Did Kobe Bryant ever change numbers? Yes, but that was after he had won a few titles with the number 24. Kobe has never been disloyal to anything or anyone. He's stayed loyal to his fans, his teammates and his family.
But perhaps there is still hope for Lebron James. Even though this decision has caused a lot of backlash, maybe the number 6 will give him the championships that the number 23 couldn't. Maybe people will eventually get used to this and realize it was a good fit all along.
But until that day comes, for this treachery and Judas-like move that you pulled, screwing over your first number— Lebron, I hate you.
That's right, Lebron James is going to be in a different uniform next season. Lebron James is going to be number 6.
I didn't think Lebron would ever be wearing a different uniform. I thought he was better than that. I thought he was dedicated and loyal to the number he had played in for the last seven years. Apparently, I was wrong.
But how could he just turn his back on the number 23? After all he had accomplished with the number 23 in the last seven years and everything the number 23 had given him, how could he pull such a traitorous move?
Sure, Lebron says it's about others. To honor and respect those who wore 23. But deep down, it is such a selfish move. He doesn't care about anyone else, he's just doing it for himself.
He has turned his back on the millions of fans who bought a Lebron James jersey with the number 23 on it. Do you know how much those jerseys cost? At least one hundred dollars. And now that Lebron has showed his disloyalty, many fans will probably think it is too risky to pick up a number 6 jersey. Who knows what number he might be wearing in seven more years?
This betrayal will have a lasting effect on his legacy. Because of this move, he'll never be able to be the greatest player of all time. The comparisons to Michael Jordan, the man who he once shared a number with, have already stopped.
Michael Jordan would never do this kind of thing. He would never have given up his integrity just because he still hadn't won a title. MJ would never change his number . . . permanently.
And now, because of this, the debate over who's the best player currently playing in the NBA, between Lebron James and Kobe Bryant is no contest.
Did Kobe Bryant ever change numbers? Yes, but that was after he had won a few titles with the number 24. Kobe has never been disloyal to anything or anyone. He's stayed loyal to his fans, his teammates and his family.
But perhaps there is still hope for Lebron James. Even though this decision has caused a lot of backlash, maybe the number 6 will give him the championships that the number 23 couldn't. Maybe people will eventually get used to this and realize it was a good fit all along.
But until that day comes, for this treachery and Judas-like move that you pulled, screwing over your first number— Lebron, I hate you.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Hey, Can You Turn Down That Mustache?
They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But the way to a man's lips, is through his mustache; if, in fact, he actually has one.
The mustache. It is almost undoubtedly God's favorite style of hair on any part of the body.
There are two things you will always notice when you're out walking somewhere. Rattling bass from a car's sound system and the mustache. Both of which, by their very nature, are quite loud.
No other style of hair is lauded and loathed as much as the mustache. But to most people, a mustache is a mustache is a mustache. Not everybody is familiar with the intricate and specific stylings of a mustache and couldn't tell you the difference between the Horseshoe and the Handlebar, or the English and the Imperial.
Herein lies the problem. The competitive world of mustaches, ran by whom I can only assume is the MPAA (Mustachioed Professionals Association of America), separates competing mustaches by very specific category. The common person typically does not distinguish mustaches by category when comparing. So, who's comparing mustaches the right way?
Both sides of the argument for comparing dissimilar mustaches to one another or not have their pros and cons. But, what if we separated the Olympic games so that each country could only compete against those countries on the same continent? Or, what if instead of having the best team from the Eastern Conference face off against the best team from the Western Conference in the NBA or Stanley Cup Finals each year, the season ended with two separate, but equal champions of their respected division?
Well, "Doodle sacks!" I say. I will not stand for this kind of segregation in mustache-dom anymore!
The bottom line is, we need a mustache melee, if you will. A battle royal pitting the Chevron against the Dali or the Walrus against the Pencil. Because all mustaches were created equal.
Here is my simple solution: An everyday, easy to use mustache rating system based around how loud and violent a mustache is. Major competitions can still judge mustaches by category, but we common people need to be able to compare any two mustaches at any given time.
So, without further ado, here it is:
The Selleck Scale
Mute Mustache - This is the bottom rank of the rating system. While this rating can be used to describe the utter lack of mustache altogether, it is intended to describe a rather wimpy mustache. One so quiet that it hardly makes a sound. A Mute Mustache can often be the beginning's of one's attempt to grow a mustache, the awkward whiskers of a pubescent teenage boy, or a Dirty Sanchez.
Rowdy Mustache - Think of this as a 1 out of 5 since the Mute Mustache is closer to a 0. This mustache approaches and can even be at times unruly. A Rowdy Mustache is typically a closely and neatly groomed mustache, often worn in conjunction with a beard. For example, a goatee. However, a Rowdy Mustache is usually more disruptive when it acts on the face alone.
Cacophonous Mustache - Now we're getting into some serious mustache territory. The Cacophonous Mustache tends to cover more surface area and be thicker than the Rowdy Mustache. While this mustache can get very boisterous, it still usually remains good-natured.
Raucous Mustache - "Let the wild rumpus begin!" The Raucous Mustache is a man's mustache. Hell, it's a man's man's mustache. Before razors, there was this animal-like and bestial mustache. It is thick, lush, and glamorous. It is the A-lister of the mustache world. Sexy, brash, and bold enough to be admired by even the most strict mustache aficionado, but not terrifying enough to cause any serious concern or trauma. The Raucous Mustache is reckless in nature, and it is known to leave destruction in its wake.
Rampaging Mustache - "Call the fire department; this one's out of control." Of course, there is nothing a fire department could actually do to squelch the Rampaging Mustache. It is known to cause riots, and it is one of the leading causes of ocular injury. To an untrained professional mustachio man, it can cause serious injury. The Rampaging Mustache often contains more hair per square inch than the head. This class of mustache is rare, but be warned; if you do see one, you'll know, because it will be on a rampage.
Hell Raising Mustache - Hide the women and children. The Hell Raising Mustache is comparable to an earthquake of 10 magnitude on the Richter Scale or an F5 tornado on the Fujita Scale. This mustache is prone to acts of violence against humanity. While it is certainly something to behold, because it is known for its brutality and disregard for human life, it is best to keep a safe distance from a Hell Raising Mustache at all times. It is rumored that a Hell Raising mustache was the cause of the Great Fire of London in 1666 and is the sole reason the tank stopped in Tiananmen Square.
Of course, what kind of scale would this be if it didn't include a category for the female mustache? A sexist and prejudiced kind, that's what.
The Misstache - The Misstache is the female version of the male sign of virility and manliness: the mustache. While seen by many as disgusting, faux pas, and unladylike, there are some women who attempt, either on purpose or by accident, to wear the honor of the Misstache. Examples include, circus and carnival performers, Frida Kahlo, women with hormonal imbalances, and Armenians. It truly does take a certain kind of woman to pull off the Misstache. One I will never be attracted to.
The mustache. It is almost undoubtedly God's favorite style of hair on any part of the body.
There are two things you will always notice when you're out walking somewhere. Rattling bass from a car's sound system and the mustache. Both of which, by their very nature, are quite loud.
No other style of hair is lauded and loathed as much as the mustache. But to most people, a mustache is a mustache is a mustache. Not everybody is familiar with the intricate and specific stylings of a mustache and couldn't tell you the difference between the Horseshoe and the Handlebar, or the English and the Imperial.
Herein lies the problem. The competitive world of mustaches, ran by whom I can only assume is the MPAA (Mustachioed Professionals Association of America), separates competing mustaches by very specific category. The common person typically does not distinguish mustaches by category when comparing. So, who's comparing mustaches the right way?
Both sides of the argument for comparing dissimilar mustaches to one another or not have their pros and cons. But, what if we separated the Olympic games so that each country could only compete against those countries on the same continent? Or, what if instead of having the best team from the Eastern Conference face off against the best team from the Western Conference in the NBA or Stanley Cup Finals each year, the season ended with two separate, but equal champions of their respected division?
Well, "Doodle sacks!" I say. I will not stand for this kind of segregation in mustache-dom anymore!
The bottom line is, we need a mustache melee, if you will. A battle royal pitting the Chevron against the Dali or the Walrus against the Pencil. Because all mustaches were created equal.
Here is my simple solution: An everyday, easy to use mustache rating system based around how loud and violent a mustache is. Major competitions can still judge mustaches by category, but we common people need to be able to compare any two mustaches at any given time.
So, without further ado, here it is:
The Selleck Scale
Mute Mustache - This is the bottom rank of the rating system. While this rating can be used to describe the utter lack of mustache altogether, it is intended to describe a rather wimpy mustache. One so quiet that it hardly makes a sound. A Mute Mustache can often be the beginning's of one's attempt to grow a mustache, the awkward whiskers of a pubescent teenage boy, or a Dirty Sanchez.
Rowdy Mustache - Think of this as a 1 out of 5 since the Mute Mustache is closer to a 0. This mustache approaches and can even be at times unruly. A Rowdy Mustache is typically a closely and neatly groomed mustache, often worn in conjunction with a beard. For example, a goatee. However, a Rowdy Mustache is usually more disruptive when it acts on the face alone.
Cacophonous Mustache - Now we're getting into some serious mustache territory. The Cacophonous Mustache tends to cover more surface area and be thicker than the Rowdy Mustache. While this mustache can get very boisterous, it still usually remains good-natured.
Raucous Mustache - "Let the wild rumpus begin!" The Raucous Mustache is a man's mustache. Hell, it's a man's man's mustache. Before razors, there was this animal-like and bestial mustache. It is thick, lush, and glamorous. It is the A-lister of the mustache world. Sexy, brash, and bold enough to be admired by even the most strict mustache aficionado, but not terrifying enough to cause any serious concern or trauma. The Raucous Mustache is reckless in nature, and it is known to leave destruction in its wake.
Rampaging Mustache - "Call the fire department; this one's out of control." Of course, there is nothing a fire department could actually do to squelch the Rampaging Mustache. It is known to cause riots, and it is one of the leading causes of ocular injury. To an untrained professional mustachio man, it can cause serious injury. The Rampaging Mustache often contains more hair per square inch than the head. This class of mustache is rare, but be warned; if you do see one, you'll know, because it will be on a rampage.
Hell Raising Mustache - Hide the women and children. The Hell Raising Mustache is comparable to an earthquake of 10 magnitude on the Richter Scale or an F5 tornado on the Fujita Scale. This mustache is prone to acts of violence against humanity. While it is certainly something to behold, because it is known for its brutality and disregard for human life, it is best to keep a safe distance from a Hell Raising Mustache at all times. It is rumored that a Hell Raising mustache was the cause of the Great Fire of London in 1666 and is the sole reason the tank stopped in Tiananmen Square.
Of course, what kind of scale would this be if it didn't include a category for the female mustache? A sexist and prejudiced kind, that's what.
The Misstache - The Misstache is the female version of the male sign of virility and manliness: the mustache. While seen by many as disgusting, faux pas, and unladylike, there are some women who attempt, either on purpose or by accident, to wear the honor of the Misstache. Examples include, circus and carnival performers, Frida Kahlo, women with hormonal imbalances, and Armenians. It truly does take a certain kind of woman to pull off the Misstache. One I will never be attracted to.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Red Handed
Not since Diego Maradona's "Hand of God" goal, has a handball so greatly affected a South American side. Like Maradona's infamous handball, this one also took place in the quarterfinals of the World Cup. Unlike Maradona's play, this handball prevented a goal instead of scoring one.
Luis Suarez' handball in stoppage time of the quarterfinal against Ghana may have been a mistake, may have been an accident, may have been just a reflex, but it was the reason Uruguay won the match. If Suarez does not bat the ball away with his hand, Ghana scores, wins, and advances, while Uruguay goes home.
Suarez was red carded, sent off, making him unable to be chosen for penalty kicks, and will miss the next match for the infraction. It will surely be bittersweet for Suarez to watch the semifinal match against the Netherlands from the sideline, but it beats the alternative, watching from anywhere else. Regardless of a win or a loss for Uruguay against the Netherlands, Suarez will get to play another game in the this World Cup.
While Maradona and Argentina went on to win the 1986 World Cup after the handball goal, it remains to be seen if Uruguay can do the same. Suarez' "Red Hand," will certainly be remembered as one of the few final key moments in an extraordinarily exciting Cup quarterfinal and will be immortalized in Uruguayan soccer lore, while deplored in Ghanaian legend. However, if Uruguay were to go on and win its 3rd World Cup, Suarez' handball would be to thank for that. The play would then surely go down as the single greatest stop to be made not by a goalkeeper and become one of those "where were you moments," like Kirk Gibson's home run or Michael Jordan's hanging jumper. So, Luis Suarez, whether you meant to or not, your handball earned you and Uruguay the best red card of all time.
Luis Suarez' handball in stoppage time of the quarterfinal against Ghana may have been a mistake, may have been an accident, may have been just a reflex, but it was the reason Uruguay won the match. If Suarez does not bat the ball away with his hand, Ghana scores, wins, and advances, while Uruguay goes home.
Suarez was red carded, sent off, making him unable to be chosen for penalty kicks, and will miss the next match for the infraction. It will surely be bittersweet for Suarez to watch the semifinal match against the Netherlands from the sideline, but it beats the alternative, watching from anywhere else. Regardless of a win or a loss for Uruguay against the Netherlands, Suarez will get to play another game in the this World Cup.
While Maradona and Argentina went on to win the 1986 World Cup after the handball goal, it remains to be seen if Uruguay can do the same. Suarez' "Red Hand," will certainly be remembered as one of the few final key moments in an extraordinarily exciting Cup quarterfinal and will be immortalized in Uruguayan soccer lore, while deplored in Ghanaian legend. However, if Uruguay were to go on and win its 3rd World Cup, Suarez' handball would be to thank for that. The play would then surely go down as the single greatest stop to be made not by a goalkeeper and become one of those "where were you moments," like Kirk Gibson's home run or Michael Jordan's hanging jumper. So, Luis Suarez, whether you meant to or not, your handball earned you and Uruguay the best red card of all time.
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