Haven't blogged in awhile. Whatever. I don't owe you people anything. If I found a genie lamp, my first two wishes would be to have as many of you killed as possible. Contingent on the numbers of you dead from the first two wishes, my third might be the same. Either that, or to become a professional wrestler and win the Royal Rumble without having to do any training or have any other matches whatsoever (this may explain how Batista won this year).
But you people do one thing really well that I'd like to borrow from you for the purposes of this blog. Petitioning.
People I hate are the masters of petitions. Why are they so good at petitions? I have no idea. Probably because the majority of them lack the intelligence to voice their opinion in any kind of clear and rational way and find it easier to just use the idea of one semi-intelligent person.
Joining a petition is like "liking" something on Facebook. It's for people who like to give minimal effort or thought to the things they do, because they probably feel their time is better spent catching up on a show they originally had no interest in watching just so they can all agree with everybody else who watched about how it's the best show ever. I guess basically, another example of letting someone else's opinion form their own.
But the only thing I hate more than people are governments. Which brings me to my point. If there were ever a sign this whole democracy and US government thing needs to just be burned down, turned into scrap, and restarted so a single fucking thing of importance can get done, this is it.
Over 100,000 people signed a petition to deport Justin Bieber and the White House is "weighing" the petition. Here's the official language of the petition.
"We the people of the United States feel that we are being wrongly represented in the world of pop culture. We would like to see the dangerous, reckless, destructive and
drug-abusing Justin Bieber deported...He is
not only threatening the safety of our people but he is also a terrible
influence on our nation's youth. We the people would like to remove
Justin Bieber from our society."
Well said, guy who's life I'm sure is going really well.
Personally, I have no problem with this petition. I don't care for the Biebs either way ever since he stole my girl, Selena Gomez, and then tried to be more effeminate than me. Look, I'm the most effeminate man in the good ol' US of A, not you, and that's how it's gonna stay. I mean, I had to dress up as Catwoman for one night around Halloween last year. And then, just to stay ahead of Bieber (he went as Polly Pocket), I had to go as the only Batman character more feminine than Catwoman...Robin. Wasn't there something with Bieber taking a picture of some leaked new Batman screenplay with Robin in it and people thought he was cast as Robin? That dude really needs to step off this steeze. Get your own life man. I was stealing Usher's dance moves at 7th grade dances in gymnasiums while you were in Pampers getting diaper rash, son.
I digress. A petition to have the more-beautiful-than-Taylor Swift's-horse-face, smooth-skinned, post-pubescent boy, J to tha Biebs sent back to Canada doesn't make me angry. But it made me realize, here's 100,000 people that hate Justin Bieber and they have a chance to get rid of him.
Why can't I start my own petition and make the government get rid of the people I hate?
All I need is 100,000 of you absent-minded, obese, jobless Americans to to basically click "like" on something I write. I'm guessing 90% of you won't even read the whole thing. 70% of you probably can't even read.
I have a lot of ideas for people I'd want the US government to get rid of. People who are better than me at video games. People who are better than me at board games. People who are better than me at sports. Major League Baseball fans. But I want to set my sights low for a first petition. Keep it simple.
So I am officially creating the: Petition to Have the People who Signed the Petition to Deport Justin Bieber Deported.
"Me, the people of this United Blog, and any other idiot who signs my petition, feel that we are being wrongly represented in the world of culture by having over 100,000 people seriously sign a petition to deport Justin Bieber when any infinite amount of things to petition would reflect better on America as a whole. Seriously, any other country who looks at our governmental system allowing these 100,000 morons to determine that deporting Justin Bieber as a governmental matter is just as important as issues such as NSA surveillance, legalization of marijuana, immigration, will continue to think poorly about this godforsaken Gomorrah of a nation. They are not only threatening the great and sterling image of the USA in the eyes of all other foreign nations, but they are terrible influences on our nation's youth, in suggesting that if 100,000 people all agree to get rid of someone the government should seriously consider it. I think Nazi Germany is calling and would like their idea back.
We would like to see every single one of the hive-minded persons who signed the Petition to Deport Justin Bieber, whether they were doing it to be funny or worse, honestly think it's something of serious concern to the United States, deported. We understand that deportation of legal American citizens has no precedent, so in the alternative (and going on the record here, I personally would prefer this option), we would like to see every single one of these people killed by individual drone strike (also going on the record here in saying that if these drone strikes accidentally take out a few innocents, there is precedent in the US government killing innocents via the legal system, police enforcement, probably drone strikes, and for being witches, so we are willing to lose a few of the good ones in return for getting rid of these mouth breathers). At the very least, we ask that these people lose their right to vote, procreate, and breathe. Okay, so that last one would just have you kill them again, but we can deal with just two out of those three if we have to.
We the people would like to remove these Petitioners from our society, and preferably from this earthly realm."
/s Matt Pellegrini
I look forward to seeing the signatures come in. I'm sure many of you illiterates will actually be repeat signers, having signed the Bieber Petition and this one, and I want to thank you now for acknowledging your utter uselessness and doing the right thing in petitioning to have yourself obliterated.
Finally, if this blog post was too dark, don't worry, I'm planning on going back to back and pumping out another one tomorrow. It will probably be about the Super Bowl and less objectionable. Yay sports!
