And I'm serious; I get a lot of Valentine's Day cards, people. I hang a gunny sack outside of my front door on VT Day with just a picture of my charming face on it, and by 2 p.m., I have to grab that bag bursting at its burlapiness and dump out all the cards in there or else all those new V-tine cards that couldn't fit will start piling up outside of my house like the used condoms I never wear. (Shh...that's because I don't ever have sex). Did that sentence make it sound like I never wear "used condoms" though? Oh well, it was worth the punchline. Don't agonize over it or anything.
Besides, I take birth control pills anyway just in case that special moment ever does happen. I know what you're thinking: "Moron, birth control pills aren't going to have any preventative effect if a guy takes them." True, but if I'm taking the pills too, then the girl can't complain about it. "See baby, I'm going through it too. We're going through this together." It's a fool-proof plan. And by "fool-proof," I mean it will only work on a girl that is a fool. So pretty much any girl that is smart is going to think I'm an idiot and my eternal bachelor status will no longer be in jeopardy, if it ever really was in the first place.
Unlike most of you, I don't hate Valentine's Day or think it's funny or clever to act like I'm too goddamn cool for true love. Oh, you're all just too good for ol' V-Day and the concept of love, but St. Patrick's Day comes around, and everybody's ready to pretend they're Irish and drink and act like they know what the celebration is even about. Which just goes to show that for most, Alcohol > Love.
And that's another thing, Patrick still gets mentioned with his "St." prefix, but apparently Valentine's miracle of writing letters to a blind girl to try to get one last "conjugal visit" before he was killed and ironically having his plan backfire when the miracle of his love letter cured her blindness and she saw just how decrepit he had become from his time in jail isn't a good enough miracle for you guys to throw "Saint" in front of his name for Valentine's Day very often.
But back to the V-Teezy Day haters. I'm not like the rest of you Bitters who get all Scroogey about a holiday about love. Instead, I'm that rare kind of person who is willing to listen and try to see things from your perspective. I wanted to put myself in the shoes of you gals and guys who hate Valentine's Day and try to see what it would be like to have nobody who loves me, what it would be like to not have Valentine cards pouring from the sack I won at the Irvine Annual Sack Hop Race three years in a row with, and what it would be like to not have so many cards to read each year that a reverse St. Valentine's miracle happens and I go temporarily blind from trying to read them all (Good lord, all the Jennifer's and Jessica's and Jason's just start to run together and look like sexy squiggles).
So, like somebody that says they're going to consider your views and try to understand where you're coming from, I thought about why you guys feel the way you do about Valentine's Day for about 10 seconds, decided you were all idiots and wrong, but figured I should try to make some funny jokes or memes about it.
And that's when it hit me in my slack-jawed face: I'll make some Non-Valentine's Day Cards. And better yet, I'll use a few of my favorite shows that would never get their own real Valentine's Day card packs to make these cards.
So without further glorious sentence of the year candidates (can you believe that mini-rant about having "St." in front of names was just one roller coaster of a sentence that vacillated between giving you great "air time," then hitting you with maximum G-forces, before finishing you off with a double helix before pulling back into the station?), here are some Non-Valentine's Day Cards for your loveless 2017 year:
1. Mr. Robot
Like all of my favorite musical acts and Justin Bieber last night at the Grammy's, this card isn't going to win any awards. It's a simple statement for people that want to express the feeling that Valentine's Day and the concept of love mean nothing to them. Instead, with this card, you only seek to very apathetically express your friendship to another person.
However, this card can also be seen as a clever satire on the concept of the commercialization of holidays. Mr. Robot focuses on the actions of a group of individuals trying to take down a massive corporation that clandestinely controls people's lives, and the main character Elliot, is so incredibly emotionally withdrawn, whether as a defense mechanism or just because he is jaded, that he is practically a robot in that he is devoid of human emotion. So this card can also be for the person that thinks Valentine's Day is nothing more than a Hallmark Holiday, manufactured by mega-corporations to turn people into mimetic puppets—monkey see, monkey do—buying cards with prefabricated words to express the most complex and beautiful of emotions one can feel for another person in the most hollow and empty way possible: trying to tell somebody they are special to you by giving them a card that thousands of other people have given to their "special" person.
This "Hello, Friend" Non-Valentine's Day card puts that indifferent and artificial display of compassion right in your face.
Other people this card is for: Friends, people as miserable as you regarding Valentine's Day, figments of your imagination, that girl you kissed but forgot was actually your sister and now you're trying to patch things over, Bernie Sanders.
2. Westworld
This card is for those of you that hate Valentine's Day, but like me, are so frickin' handsome or gorgeous that you're going to be getting a lot Disney Princess Valentine cards from suitors, but don't know how to let those desperate stalkers know you're not interested. After receiving their proclamation of love, present to them this beauty that simultaneously says you don't care about their card and hits 'em with a twist that will blow their fucking minds (bonus points if you spoil a portion of Westworld for them).
Cue up this card when that creepy guy from your office that comes up behind you and rubs your back while you're looking at pictures of cute animals instead of responding to that e-mail from your boss is on his way over to your desk with the "balloon and stuffed teddy bear" set he got from the grocery store this morning to finally ask you out on a formal date. Or for when that girl that had been snapping you really suggestive pictures, but recently has started snapping you pictures of her with the 2 year-old son you didn't know she had finally asks you to come over for a Valentine's Day date and to meet little Tyler.
This card is my personal favorite, and one I may use in the future if I ever decide it's time to stop giving false hope to girls that, y'know, "like me, like me." But hey, better false hope than no hope at all, right?
Unfortunately, this card is playful and cute enough that at best it could lead to the person wanting to tell you about their two-bit Westworld theories for the second season and at worst, will lead to them thinking they can be the Teddy to your Dolores, or vice-versa, and that you two have been programmed to be together and will always have intertwining storylines. Use with caution.
Other people this card is for: Friends that you suspect are really Hosts, people that hate spoilers, that one guy that's brave enough to actually write out his own original feelings for you but still sucks, grown women that are still giving out Valentine's Day cards like it's cute or something.
3. Game of Thrones
"All the women, who are independent, pull your shirts up at me." This one's for all the ladies out there that deserve respect. Respect for saying I don't need another person leeching off of my life, or who have at least convinced themselves of that ex post facto.
This is the Non-Valentine you give to yourself, or you pin to your shirt and wear around on Valentine's Day to let people know you probably have a list of men and women you are hoping the Faceless Man will off by the end of 2017 that's longer than Arya's hit list and Taylor Swift's list of exes combined.
I gotta say, this is a tricky valentine though. In Game of Thrones, Arya's constant declaration that "a girl has no name," while rendering her invisible for the purposes of perhaps carrying out assassinations, also eradicates her identity and makes her an unseen and unheard woman. Not to mention, the command reinforced in her of "a girl has no name" was at the direction of a Faceless Man. (the two girls who actually read this far into my blog without saying fuck this guy at the birth control joke are probably having mini panic attacks now recognizing some modern similarities here). But in the end, Arya leaves this faceless guild and re-asserts her identity as Arya Stark.
So does that mean, a girl should have a Valentine? I don't fucking know. I suppose that's up to each girl to make her decision if she has a valentine or not.
But if you don't want to have a Valentine, then this is the Non-Valentine's Day card for you. Unless of course Ryan Gosling or your perfect man hits you up to be his valentine after you assert you have no valentine. Then by all means, retract this stupid card now, girl. Don't be an idiot. Who wants to be independent when you can have all of that?
Other people this card is for: Waifs, guys like me who are comfortable enough in their own skin to self-refer as a girl, a woman who wants to give the perception that she hates all men by posting about it on social media but gets that extra happy feeling when a guy she digs "likes" one of her posts, people that have been brainwashed into thinking it's super awesome to reject Valentine's Day.
4. Key & Peele
Alright, I'll be honest here. I think this is a joke better suited to a longer form than a meme, but I included it because who offers a Non-Valentine's Day card set with only 3 cards? Well, not me.
People this card is for: Danny Reyes, your parent that takes you to a Mexican restaurant and proceeds to pronounce all the Spanish words incorrectly, substitute teachers used to teaching in the inner city.
If you wanna see all the cards that were too hot for this blog, send me a private message and I'll let you see EVERYthing. Standard rate of .99 per message applies.
