Do I have a degree in any of the Social Sciences? No. But do I consider myself more than qualified to make this very accurate personality assessment? Absolutely. Just remember, this is the final word on the matter. These are completely final and allow for no deviation in personality from what is described. If one of these is your favorite holiday, then it will be like looking in a mirror for you.
New Year's Eve/Day – Your hate your life, because your life sucks. You look forward to New Year's because you like to think, "Hey, maybe this year will be my year. Another year, another chance." WRONG. Things are not going to get better. You suck. You're depressed because of this. It's possible you'll kill yourself if it weren't for your ridiculous optimism. Instead, you choose to drown all of the previous year's sorrows in that cheap bottle of Andre champagne.
Valentine's Day – You are the master of denial. Face it, real relationships are not like the ones in movies and are not like the way your little idealistic imagination dreams them up to be. Your favorite holiday is based around an emotion that biologically, does not exist. But you like Valentine's Day because you think someone out there is just perfect for you. Which is why you'll eventually end up alone. Yes, even if you're in a relationship. Because you deny the possibility of imperfections in a lover. But hey, maybe someday you'll be able to train one of your dozen cats to feed you chocolate covered strawberries and tell you they love you and will never leave you.
St. Patrick's Day – Congratulations, you think being incoherently drunk is something to be proud of. Your IQ probably matches your Blood-Alcohol Content, which means you probably took that as a compliment. Proof that you’re stupid is that you think St. Patrick's day is actually about celebrating drinking to incapacitation. You probably have other seriously messed up priorities in your life too if this is your favorite holiday. If not Alcoholics Anonymous, you will end up with some other addiction and in some other support group because of your stupidity and tendency to make seriously dumb choices.
April Fools Day – News flash. You’re not funny. And everybody hates you. I get it, you want to stay a kid at heart, but playing pranks on your friends is not being a kid at heart. You're annoying because you continue to use clichés and other played out jokes as your go-tos. You laugh at your own jokes too. That’s not funny, dude. You have the same sense of humor as a third grader, but your "friends" don't have the heart to tell you, because you either will think they're just joking around at your expense, or worse, you will take them seriously and go all Kurt Cobain. Instead, they'll talk about you behind your back all the time when you're not around. Now who’s the fool?
Independence Day – You are probably lower to middle class at best. A red stater. Drive a pickup. And consider Natty Ice an important part of your diet, you redneck fuck. You think America is the best country in the world, even though your own blue collar job and trailer park life is terrible. You're just not smart enough to see that. You think holidays should be about beer and big explosions, which is why you love Michael Bay movies. It’s kind of ironic that you’re content with your ambitionless and unsuccessful life, while your favorite holiday is the one that celebrates people that succeeded in doing so much.
Halloween – This is a two parter based on gender. If you're a guy, congratulations, you're probably gay. So your favorite holiday is the one where you get to play dress up? Lemme guess, you had Barbie and Skipper's dreamhouse when you were younger too? Hopefully your costumes growing up sucked so you’ll be used to the feeling of letting people down when your parents find out you’re playing plug and socket with another man. Now, if you're a woman, you're probably a little rough around the edges. And by edges, I mean your vagina. On average, you have 2.5 STDs. According to you, every Disney princess was a stripper. At least that’s what you’re making it seem like.
Thanksgiving – One, you're a retard. Nobody's favorite holiday should be Thanksgiving. It's just barely different from regular days. Eat a lot of food with family and pretend like we care about each other more than we really do. I’m not really seeing why this is a special day. And come on, is four pounds of turkey, globby mashed potatoes and the vomit rainbow that is stuffing what you consider great food? If it is, see the first sentence. Two, you're probably fat and lazy. If not, you’ll get there. Don’t worry. Three, you’re a fake. You preach how this holiday makes you really grateful for all you have and puts things in perspective for you. Yeah, I’m sure you’re thinking that while you’re watching football or playing Nintendo Wii with Grandma. Four, you're as boring as this holiday itself. Seriously, drop Thanksgiving and just call it Black Friday Eve. The day can even keep the binge eating. It preps people for the binge shopping and spending they’re about to do.
Christmas – You're a selfish asshole. You are way too concerned with material possessions and wealth. “ Hey, wanna hear what I got for Christmas? I got this. And this. And this.” Yeah, we all got stuff, dickweed. Guess what M'puto Buj'umbura got for Christmas? Malaria and a bad case of diarrhea. Stop being so greedy and flaunting all this awesome and unnecessary stuff that you have. You're a self-serving ass, plain and simple. And your life is all about "me." You probably didn’t even read any of the other personality assessments and just skipped right down to yours first. Arrogant prick.
Bonus: Chanukah – Lemme guess, you're jewish? In typical Jew fashion, you've spread buying things for your kids out over an 8 day pay period instead of all at once, you money-grubbing miser.
Bonus #2: Kwaanza – Lemme guess, you're black? In typical black fashion, you’ve created your own “black only” form of something in an attempt to gain more equality, yet you fail to see how this is actually more of a way to segregate than to bring together.
Glad I could end on those potentially racist notes. If you think the Kwaanza section is more racist than the Chanukah section though, you’re a tard.
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