My Weekend Predictions

Like all things in life, blogging is a competition. And for the past few weeks, my friend has been posting his weekly college football predictions on his blog—To plug his blog or not to plug his blog? No plug!—so I've decided that, I too, will be blogging my predictions for this weekend.

My first prediction is that I will get more predictions right than my friend. But this prediction doesn't count in determining who gets more predictions right. It's just like, a prediction about our predictions.

Okay, so I'm not actually going to make the prediction that I get more predictions right. I'm guaranteeing that I get more right.

So without anymore brain-busting logic, here are my predictions for each of the matchups:

22 Drunk Dialing vs. 19 Drunk Eating
This first one is a tough pick. Both are definitely looking to make a statement this week. Drunk Dialing has a chip on its shoulder, but I don't think it gets that chip off this weekend. It'll be a close one, but Drunk Eating will prevail...and that's probably good for all of us, unless you're a fatty on a diet. Learn some self-restraint, you rotund butterball of a human.

25 Brett Favre vs. 6 Grim Reaper
Oooohhh boy. It's really just a matter of time before Ol' Faithful's throwing arm literally tears open and erupts and spews Hall of Fame Juice all over the red zone and stains Barb's size 18 Brett Favre replica Wrangler Jeans in the first row. And this just might be the week. I know Favre thinks he can play forever, but the Grim Reaper has dealt with tougher opponents before. Rasputin, Saddam Hussein, Terry Schaivo, I could go on. That's why this week's edition of Monday Night Football is going to turn into a Monday Night Snuff. I got the Reaper taking him out with a Nickel Blitz towards the end of the 3rd on a play-action where Favre thinks his ol' gunslinger arm can still fire one 50 yards down field to Percy Harvin.

3 Politics vs. 23 You
Honestly, I don't know why You are ever ranked in the top 25. Your cupcake schedule has done nothing to deserve it. Not that it matters. This one is a gimme. Whether you're a fatty Democratty, a chubby Repubbly, or splittin seams in-between (if you're counting, that's 3 fat jokes now), something in politics is going to happen that will make You the loser. You have won against politics one time in the storied history of this rivalry, but that was back in the 1700s. This is as much of a guarantee as white guys overrating Dave Matthews Band and black athletes being charged with felonies. Seriously, liking Dave Matthews Band is worse than a felony.

8 Vampires vs. 17 Wizards
This is an interesting one here. To be honest, both are fading powers, along the lines of Medical Dramas, Adam Sandler, Guidos, and anything to do with Ed Hardy. But with the first part of the Harry Potter finale being released soon, Wizards are trying to get back in the Top 10 once more, but they're just not as good as they once were. They're sort of like USC. They're still good and highly competitive, but it really doesn't matter because there's no chance for a postseason anyway. Harry Potter and ultimately anything to do with wizards is over except for the hype and buzz of the last two films. It's sort of like a farewell tour, while Vampires have a little bit more time left with things such as The Vampire Diaries, True Blood, and of course, the last movie in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn. The one where Edward bites and tears into Bella's uterus to rip out their half-vampire baby that is killing Bella and then turns Bella into a vampire to save her life. Ooops, spoilerz! (Off-topic, did you know they're turning Breaking Dawn into two movies? Where'd they get that brilliant, original idea?). But I'm going with an upset here and taking Wizards due to the over saturation of Vampires.

11 Beer vs. 14 Liquor
Another classic rivalry. This one really is a toss-up. Key players on both sides are game-time decisions so it's going to be hard to know who's favored until right up before go time. I want to go the safe route and take beer, but I think I'm going to go with liquor this weekend. In the prediction, that is. Not like, me personally. "I'm" not going with liquor this weekend...or Am I?

7 Sport vs. 10 Party
This is the time of the year when Sport is at its best. The MLB Playoffs, the start of the NBA and NHL, and of course the NFL and College Football seasons are just hitting critical junctions. But when Sport is at its best, Party is also at its best. A lot of people will disagree with me, but I'm taking Party over Sport, because I'm a little more concerned about my own life than some mostly meaningless activity where some 20 year olds wrestle around on grass and try to be the team to stand with a ball in a designated zone the most times so that they can call themselves better. I don't cheer and go crazy at picnics when people are standing on the blanket on top of grass that designates their picnic area and are holding their brown basket? And really? After one team accumulates more points by kicking, throwing, catching, and running with a ball, that makes fans of that team better than fans of the other team? People that had no part in the activity whatsoever? I'm not better than some people just because a song I like gets played more at the club than the song they like. I'm better because I'm way smarter, way more athletic, and way better looking than them. I'll stick to drinking and partying, where there is tangible proof that I am better than you, by comparing how many beers we've drank and how many women we've told to get in the kitchen and stay there. And quit dumping out your Corona Lights in the toilet when you "go to the bathroom" to keep up. I know you're doing that, nobody goes to the bathroom that much.

16 Safe Sex vs. 9 Raw Dog
I think too many people are picking Raw Dog to win out this weekend. While Raw Dog is America's sweetheart, it's going up against its toughest opponent this week. Scoring on that defense is going to be a real challenge, let alone getting any penetration at all through those holes. If this matchup was being played at a frat or some gay bar (actually, is that redundant?), I'd be a little more likely to pick Raw Dog, but it's a neutral site game and Safe Sex (aka Rubber Dog) is a little bit more prolific when it comes to scoring, so I gotta think Safe Sex will win this weekend.

13 The Social Network vs. 12 Inception
This wouldn't be my blog if I didn't bitch about how overrated Inception was at least once a month. But this week, it's in a matchup against another movie that people are loving, The Social Network? To my very heterosexual surprise, The Social Network is getting not just good, but "great" reviews. Whatever floats your naval vessel I guess. A movie about real life against a movie about dreams. Tough choice. But I went into Inception thinking it would be a pretty good movie, while when I saw the preview for The Social Network for the first time, probably before Inception actually, I almost laughed at how stupid of an idea it was. If I want to see drama on something called Facebook, I'll go on "my" Facebook. If I want to look at hot chicks who don't know I'm looking at them on something called Facebook, I'll go on "my" Facebook. Plus, I'd get caught If I tried masturbate in the movie theater to girls in the Facebook movie. My own Facebook at home is a different story. This is probably as close as I'm going to get to conceding that Inception is a good movie, so...Inception over The Social Network.

4 USA vs. Everybody Else
USA dropped from 2 to 4 after losing to Europe in the Ryder Cup last weekend and some people think they look a little vulnerable. Well need I remind you that the Ryder Cup is a Golf competition. I'm none too concerned with how our country performed in an activity that requires no real athletic prowess. When Golf's top performers are guys who are half-Asian (Woods), Indian (Singh), fat alcoholics (Daly), and I'm guessing someone's Jewish, you know you're not dealing with a real sport. Golf is what real athletes are good at just for shits and giggles. It's their fall back plan. Seriously, Tony Romo could stop playing football right now and be a successful golfer. Golf is a lot like Chess. Most people think it's hard and takes skill, but that's only because so few people even want to waste their time doing it. Besides, I don't care if Al-Qaeda beats the USA in a game naked Twister. Who still has more nuclear weapons? Everybody Else could be anything else and I'd still take the good ol' US of A. Blowout. USA wins. Everybody Else loses.

1 Earth vs. 24 Gliese 581 g
Gliese just jumped into the rankings after a big week. But it has to go up against undefeated Earth. While the Gliesed Lightning are in the midst of becoming a true powerhouse, a new dynasty in the greater scheme of things, Gliese just isn't there yet. Seeing Gliese up against Earth will be a great comparison to see what we can expect from Gliese in the coming years. And maybe a few years down the line, Gliese will be better than Earth. But do I think Gliese can come in this year and topple the Earth's stranglehold on the top spot? No way. Earth is number 1 for a reason and will continue its dominant ways for now.

Well, those are all my predictions. Bet ya didn't see a few of those comin. Like taking Safe Sex over Raw Dog, but hey, I'm a risk taker.

It's a shame #2 MattByMoonlight has the week off. That pick is always a lock.

Here's the rest of the ranked that have Byes.

5 Justin Bieber - I think he's up against Sexual Orientation next week.
15 Cover Bands - Underrated.
18 Naked Ladies - Overrated.
20 Glee - I don't even know what this is.
21 Kesha - Really? Kesha is ranked higher than You? I don't even like You and I think this is all kinds of wrong. Kesha has got to be God's April Fools joke.