Hey, Can You Turn Down That Mustache?

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But the way to a man's lips, is through his mustache; if, in fact, he actually has one.

The mustache. It is almost undoubtedly God's favorite style of hair on any part of the body.

There are two things you will always notice when you're out walking somewhere. Rattling bass from a car's sound system and the mustache. Both of which, by their very nature, are quite loud.

No other style of hair is lauded and loathed as much as the mustache. But to most people, a mustache is a mustache is a mustache. Not everybody is familiar with the intricate and specific stylings of a mustache and couldn't tell you the difference between the Horseshoe and the Handlebar, or the English and the Imperial.

Herein lies the problem. The competitive world of mustaches, ran by whom I can only assume is the MPAA (Mustachioed Professionals Association of America), separates competing mustaches by very specific category. The common person typically does not distinguish mustaches by category when comparing. So, who's comparing mustaches the right way?

Both sides of the argument for comparing dissimilar mustaches to one another or not have their pros and cons. But, what if we separated the Olympic games so that each country could only compete against those countries on the same continent? Or, what if instead of having the best team from the Eastern Conference face off against the best team from the Western Conference in the NBA or Stanley Cup Finals each year, the season ended with two separate, but equal champions of their respected division?

Well, "Doodle sacks!" I say. I will not stand for this kind of segregation in mustache-dom anymore!

The bottom line is, we need a mustache melee, if you will. A battle royal pitting the Chevron against the Dali or the Walrus against the Pencil. Because all mustaches were created equal.

Here is my simple solution: An everyday, easy to use mustache rating system based around how loud and violent a mustache is. Major competitions can still judge mustaches by category, but we common people need to be able to compare any two mustaches at any given time.

So, without further ado, here it is:

The Selleck Scale

Mute Mustache - This is the bottom rank of the rating system. While this rating can be used to describe the utter lack of mustache altogether, it is intended to describe a rather wimpy mustache. One so quiet that it hardly makes a sound. A Mute Mustache can often be the beginning's of one's attempt to grow a mustache, the awkward whiskers of a pubescent teenage boy, or a Dirty Sanchez.

Rowdy Mustache - Think of this as a 1 out of 5 since the Mute Mustache is closer to a 0. This mustache approaches and can even be at times unruly. A Rowdy Mustache is typically a closely and neatly groomed mustache, often worn in conjunction with a beard. For example, a goatee. However, a Rowdy Mustache is usually more disruptive when it acts on the face alone.

Cacophonous Mustache - Now we're getting into some serious mustache territory. The Cacophonous Mustache tends to cover more surface area and be thicker than the Rowdy Mustache. While this mustache can get very boisterous, it still usually remains good-natured.

Raucous Mustache - "Let the wild rumpus begin!" The Raucous Mustache is a man's mustache. Hell, it's a man's man's mustache. Before razors, there was this animal-like and bestial mustache. It is thick, lush, and glamorous. It is the A-lister of the mustache world. Sexy, brash, and bold enough to be admired by even the most strict mustache aficionado, but not terrifying enough to cause any serious concern or trauma. The Raucous Mustache is reckless in nature, and it is known to leave destruction in its wake.

Rampaging Mustache - "Call the fire department; this one's out of control." Of course, there is nothing a fire department could actually do to squelch the Rampaging Mustache. It is known to cause riots, and it is one of the leading causes of ocular injury. To an untrained professional mustachio man, it can cause serious injury. The Rampaging Mustache often contains more hair per square inch than the head. This class of mustache is rare, but be warned; if you do see one, you'll know, because it will be on a rampage.

Hell Raising Mustache - Hide the women and children. The Hell Raising Mustache is comparable to an earthquake of 10 magnitude on the Richter Scale or an F5 tornado on the Fujita Scale. This mustache is prone to acts of violence against humanity. While it is certainly something to behold, because it is known for its brutality and disregard for human life, it is best to keep a safe distance from a Hell Raising Mustache at all times. It is rumored that a Hell Raising mustache was the cause of the Great Fire of London in 1666 and is the sole reason the tank stopped in Tiananmen Square.

Of course, what kind of scale would this be if it didn't include a category for the female mustache? A sexist and prejudiced kind, that's what.

The Misstache - The Misstache is the female version of the male sign of virility and manliness: the mustache. While seen by many as disgusting, faux pas, and unladylike, there are some women who attempt, either on purpose or by accident, to wear the honor of the Misstache. Examples include, circus and carnival performers, Frida Kahlo, women with hormonal imbalances, and Armenians. It truly does take a certain kind of woman to pull off the Misstache. One I will never be attracted to.