Dun Dun...Dun Dun

Sharks. They are nature's justified killers. If somebody you didn't know just showed up where you lived, flailing around and peeing everywhere, you'd probably bite their leg off too. The difference is, you haven't done that and a shark has. That's why they get their own week.

This Sunday, one of the summer's biggest events kicks off. The mind-bogglingly successful Shark Week.

I say mind-bogglingly because I just can't fathom how Shark Week has had continued success for so long. I understand that Shark Week has very little competition during this time of year. The only legitimate threat is ESPN's Little League World Series, or Pedophile Month to some.

But Shark Week started in 1987. That's right. There's been a Shark Week now for over 20 years. And I can't help but notice, hardly anything has changed. Year after year, you see sharks do the same things. Bite as hard as they can through all kinds of flesh and metal. Come close to killing people in reenactments of shark attacks. And look scary underwater while a diver floats in a cage like a zoo animal and films.

This is why I don't watch Shark Week. It's just a rehash of what they've been doing for years now.

So, with that in mind, I've come up with 3 new ideas for programs to run during Shark Week that will recapture all the glory of the one of the ocean's deadliest predators. Or, at least spice up Shark Week again and get me to watch it.

1. Zoo For Sharks - This idea is a lot like when the diver goes down in a cage, completely safe I might add, don't let his over-the-top dramatics trick you into thinking he's in danger, and watches and records sharks swimming around and trying to attack a cage. But I am TIRED of seeing a human in that cage. Let's spice it up. Put a monkey in a fucking scuba diving suit, put him in the cage, and send him down there with a camera and see how he reacts and what he records. And don't say a monkey wouldn't know to breathe with the air tank. Monkeys have learned sign language for God's sake, I'm pretty sure if we jam the breathing device in its mouth and make sure it stays in there he'll be fine.

2. Oscar Winning Sharks - No, I'm not suggesting Discovery Channel plays the great shark movies in history, or gives out awards to sharks that were in movies, though the second one isn't such a bad idea. I'm suggesting to add a little star power to the "When Sharks Attack" show. Yes, get famous actors to play the role of the shark that dismembered somebody in the reenactments . And you have to put them in that little kid's shark set for swimming you can buy. With the little head fin/goggles and all that other junk. It would be hilarious to see Tom Cruise go open-mouth at some guys crotch, or Mel Gibson go in for the kill on an ethnicity that he hates who shouldn't have been swimming in the first place.

3. Jersey Shark - Yes, this is probably exactly what you're thinking. There are two options here. Either run the audio from the latest episode of Jersey Shore in the background, while well-placed shots of sharks mesh with the dialogue and action, or superimpose sharks into the actual footage of Jersey Shore. I mean, what could be scarier than a shark with a 6-pack? Oh right, a shark that looks like Snooki. FIN PUMP!