Everybody knows children's games instill terrible morals and vices into kids. Pin the Tail on the Donkey—Animal abuse. Spin the Bottle—A gateway game to a life of casual sex and multiracial orgies. The Three-legged Race—Oh, haha, it's so funny and silly being physically handicapped. And I don't think I'm going out on a stretch here either.
These were the classic games that I, and most my age grew up playing at birthday parties.
Ah, preteen birthday parties. A way for the low-income families to bring their child closer to equal terms with their middle class schoolmates. A few extra bucks and some cool new gifts out of the other families' pockets went miles into maintaining the illusion that they were doing just as good of a job at raising their kid as the white collar families. It almost seemed like their son or daughter now had the same things that the more well-off kids had. That is, of course, until the rich kids' had their next birthday party at the awesome playplace with over 300 arcade games, redeemable tickets, tokens, infinite pizza, a bouncy house, and laser tag instead of at their parents' house with the creepy basement, a tire swing tied to a tree, a 13 inch television, 5 large pepperoni pizzas from Dominos, and a dog that might not bite one of the girls and make her cry for 20 minutes, ruining the party.
Ah, those were the 90s. But, I don't want to lose sight of what's really important here. Making sure parents know what classic kids' games to immediately ban from their household.
And as a child of Christianity, I feel it is my duty, no, my destiny to warn all the fellow christians of the one game that is the biggest threat to our religion.
Simon Says. Seriously, ban this game right now. I've been sending letters to the Vatican for weeks asking for the Pope to publicy damn this game. Excommunicate this "Simon." Cut him off. Who does this guy think he is?
Simon Says is an absolute affront to one of the most important Christian doctrines. The belief in Free Will.
This game completely removes all free will from the kids playing it. It teaches you that you don't get to make your own decisions. No! You can't do Jumping J's now no matter how bad you want to, you have to make a face like this instead. All of your actions during this game are controlled, fated, preordained, by some 40 year old spinster clinging to what remaining bit of youth she has left by being the "cool mom" who threw the party for her 10 year old son with the clown AND the magician.
Oh, and what happens when you no longer play puppet to the creepy uncle who's last command was, "Simon Says...all the boys take your shirts off," and make your own decision? That's right, you lose. No choices here with this game. No Free Will. Just that guy telling you to take your shirt off, and I don't think the Church would ever stand for that.
Look, free will is important. I've been kicking ass and making choices since back in the womb. That's right, even as little fetal Matt, I was in control of my life. You think I came out at around 9 months because of science and biology and all that magic hocus pocus? No! I made the conscious decision of when to come out of there and let the world surrender to my sweet dimples and disproportionate legs.
Basically, I felt I had spent enough time in there and that the world was finally deserving of my physical presence. It was kind of like my own little debutante ball–my baby beautillion.
And yeah, I was making rational choices in the womb. So stick that in your uterus and mash it around, abortion.
Look, all I'm asking is that the Church makes Simon Says goes the way of the dinosaur—so contradictory to our beliefs that it is assumed to have never even existed in the first place.
Amen.